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The amount of time spent on sport and exercise be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is best way to deal with problems? What other solutions can you suggest?

Nowadays, the number of overweight children is significantly increase and it is a popular issue in every country. Several people argue that giving more extra time in sports and exercise will help to student to decrease their weight. In my opinion, it is not about giving too much time in exercise or sport because let’s say they do exercise in school but when they are outside the school they will eat unhealthy food. They should discipline the children by eating too much food. I believe that giving extra time for physical education is not enough to decrease the weight of the children. Firstly several students are eating too much food that is not healthy in their body like some junk foods and street food. They like eating because of some addictive that will encourage to them to eat more. Teacher and parents need to supervise the children in eating, in that way the pupils will know what food they needed to eat. Secondly, a healthy body start to the family. Because Preparing healthy diet food is important so the children will encourage to eat and parents should know what food they will prepare to their children. Also parents should limiting on giving food so they will not become overweight. In conclusion, showing eating healthy food and doing exercise will encourage the children do the same as you did. Giving extra time to make the children healthy is not valid reason because the parents should be the one teaches their child to be healthy. Teacher and parents will help each other to maintain the healthy body diet.
Nowadays, the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
significantly
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
increase and
it is a popular issue in every country. Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
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giving
more extra
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time
in sports and
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exercise
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to student to decrease their weight. In my opinion, it is not about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
or sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s say they do
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exercise
in school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when they are outside the school they will eat unhealthy
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food
. They should discipline the
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children
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too much food.

I believe that
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giving
extra
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time
for physical education is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to decrease the weight of the
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children
.
Firstly
several students are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too much
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food
that is
not
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healthy
in their body like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
junk
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foods
and street
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food
. They like
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eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
addictive that will encourage to them to eat more. Teacher and
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parents
need to supervise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
, in that way the pupils will know what
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food
they needed to eat.

Secondly
, a
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healthy
body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to the family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
Preparing
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healthy
diet
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food
is
Use a comma before ‘so’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
important
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so
the
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children
will encourage
Did you mean “eating”? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, ‘encourage’ + ‘to’ takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to eat
and
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parents
should know what
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food
they will prepare to their
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children
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
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parents
should
The modal verb ‘should’ requires the verb’s base form.
limiting
on
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giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will not become overweight.

In conclusion
, showing
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eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and doing
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exercise
will encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do the same as you did.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Giving
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
is not valid reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be the one teaches their child to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
. Teacher and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other to maintain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body diet.
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IELTS essay The amount of time spent on sport and exercise be increased in school in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is best way to deal with problems? What other solutions can you suggest?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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