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The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer v.8

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer v. 8
It is certainly true that the number of overweight people is growing in some countries, and this problem affects to levels of well-being fitness. There are several causes of this trouble and various measures can be tackled by individuals to improve this situation. More and more people have been obesity, due to many causes. Firstly, younger people tend to like eating kinds of fast food; however, if people consume too much this foodstuff, it will affect the state of health. For example, overweight causes other diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure and so on. Secondly, people usually are busy working; therefore, they forget to care their body. Obviously, sedentary lifestyle will make fitness of people becoming weaker. For instance, office jobs require people to sit long hours; thus, it damages health, and this causes the obesity disease. There is some the method to solve this problem. The first point, nutritious food helps people keep down weight; so, people should choose kinds of wealth of protein. To illustrate, vegetable and fruits are the right choice because they contain calories lower than processed cooking. In addition, people need to maintain a healthful diet to protect their body. Finally, exercise plays a vital role in controlling weight and preventing obesity. However, people lack regular bodybuilding; therefore, people should wellness centres that can help people to increase a great deal of benefits for burning fat, such as yoga or gym; so, we need to exercise every day. In conclusion, the consumption of unhealthy food and physical inaction cause increasing overweight rate in countries; nevertheless, this trouble can be improved by eating many vegetables and usually exercise.
It is
certainly
true that the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is growing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, and this problem affects to levels of well-being fitness. There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
of this trouble and various measures can
be tackled
by individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.

More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been obesity, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
.
Firstly
, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to like eating kinds of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food;
however
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume too much this foodstuff, it will affect the state of health.
For example
, overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
other diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
are busy working;
therefore
, they forget to care their body.
Obviously
, sedentary lifestyle will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fitness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becoming weaker.
For instance
, office jobs require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to sit long hours;
thus
, it damages health, and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
the obesity disease.

There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the method to solve this problem. The
first
point, nutritious food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
down weight;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should choose kinds of wealth of protein. To illustrate, vegetable and fruits are the right choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they contain calories lower than processed cooking.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to maintain a healthful diet to protect their body.
Finally
, exercise plays a vital role in controlling weight and preventing obesity.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lack regular bodybuilding;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The word 'wellness' is a noun or an adjective. A verb is missing or misspelled, or maybe a comma is missing.
should wellness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to increase a great deal of benefits for burning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, such as yoga or gym;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, we need to exercise every day.

In conclusion
, the consumption of unhealthy food and physical inaction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
increasing overweight rate in countries;
nevertheless
, this trouble can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vegetables and
usually
exercise.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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