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The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v.7

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 7
There are some who uphold that advertisements stimulate individuals to purchase unnecessary products; however, others hold that promotional campaigns make people aware regarding latest articles which can help them to live better. My strong belief is that adverts are undesirable. Those who hold the view in the favour of advertising, have their own reasons. They assert that not only do these advertisements provide infotainment and recreation to people, but also inculcate moral values among individuals. For instance, Lifebuoy advert flashed on the television screen motivates children to wash their hands at regular intervals. Having said that, there are strong grounds to prove the demerits of promotions. The primary factor is that adverts lead to exorbitant expenditure. When people, especially tender minds watch the promotions, be it in print media or television, they get swayed by alluring adverts and insist on buying it. Sometimes, they pester their parents to buy that unnecessary thing. Only yesterday my nephew was hell bent on purchasing the trouser of Addidas, an international brand of clothes, after watching the promotion on television. Fulfilling every wish of a child is not possible for parents and nor it is desirable. Besides being expensive, advertisements ultimately leads to degradation of the environment. Advertisement owners, mostly exaggerate and distort the features of their products with a view to attracting customers, but in reality such items end up in dustbins or trash cans. Most of the Chinese products are made up of substandard material and inevitably, such items fall into disuse within a short span of time. Obviously, excessive buying than immediate need turn to domestic wastage which in turn ravage the surroundings. In conclusion, although promotional campaigns instill people about knowledgeable products, adverts burn the deep holes in parents' pockets and deteriorate the environment.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who uphold that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
stimulate individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
;
however
, others hold that promotional campaigns
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aware regarding
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
articles which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
better. My strong belief is that adverts are undesirable.

Those who hold the view in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of advertising, have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons. They assert that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
provide infotainment and recreation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
inculcate moral values among individuals.
For instance
, Lifebuoy advert flashed on the television screen motivates children to wash their hands at regular intervals.

Having said that, there are strong grounds to prove the demerits of promotions. The primary factor is that adverts lead to exorbitant expenditure. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
tender minds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the promotions, be it in print media or television, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
swayed by alluring adverts and insist on buying it.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they pester their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that unnecessary thing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
yesterday my nephew was
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hell bent
on purchasing the trouser of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Addidas
, an international brand of clothes, after watching the promotion on television. Fulfilling every wish of a child is not possible for parents and nor it is desirable.

Besides
being expensive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
ultimately
leads to degradation of the environment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Advertisement
owners,
mostly
exaggerate and distort the features of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
with a view to attracting customers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality such items
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in dustbins or trash cans. Most of the Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are made
up of substandard material and
inevitably
, such items fall into disuse within a short span of time.
Obviously
, excessive buying than immediate need turn to domestic wastage which in turn ravage the surroundings.

In conclusion
, although promotional campaigns instill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about knowledgeable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, adverts burn the deep holes in parents' pockets and deteriorate the environment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 7

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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