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Television is a tool that can be used to learn. Therefore, children should be encouraged to watch it regularly at home and school. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Television is a tool that can be used to learn. Therefore, children should be encouraged to watch it regularly at home and school. v. 1
Televisions around the world have become a sources of entertainment, as well as of education. Many would argue that it can be used a tool for learning by the young and should be allowed to watch on a regular basis at home and schools. I would somewhat disagree with the notion of it being a tool of learning because no matter how good of a source it can be for the students, it is not the only way to learn and without any supervisions over its consumption, may cause more harm than good. Everyone would agree that students can learn about Science and Technology, Wildlife and many more things by watching informational channels like Discovery Channel, National Geographic Channel, or Animal Planet etc. Secondly students can watch local or national news channels which would help them understand what is going on around the world and moreover can enhance their cognitive ability by watching debates over television. Furthermore, the pupils can also understand and witness the diverse culture of their country as well as of other nations by enjoying the cultural events that aired. On the contrary, consuming excessively over the screen may hamper their ability to concentrate and may lead to strain on the eyes, or worse, due to constant staring at the it. Along with educational programs available from the wide spectrum of shows, there are few contents which the young counterparts must not be exposed to. Television shows dealing with a lot of violence and adultery may affect the young minds, for the worse. In conclusion, considering televisions as the effective source of learning would be wrong as there are more effective ways of learning things such as reading books, interacting with fellow classmates and others, and getting mentored from teachers at school. Additionally without proper parental guidance the machine may prove to be harmful than good.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Televisions
around the world have become
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a source" or simply "sources"?
a sources
of entertainment,
as well
as of education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
would argue that it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
a tool for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
by the young and should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
on a regular basis at home and schools. I would somewhat disagree with the notion of it being a tool of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no matter how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
of a source it can be for the students, it is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to learn and without any supervisions over its consumption, may cause more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.

Everyone would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that students can learn about Science and Technology, Wildlife and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more things by watching informational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
like Discovery
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Channel
, National Geographic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Channel
, or Animal Planet etc.
Secondly
students can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
local or national news
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
channels
which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them understand what is going on around the world and
moreover
can enhance their cognitive ability by watching debates over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
Furthermore
, the pupils can
also
understand and witness the diverse culture of their country
as well
as of other nations by enjoying the cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
that aired.

On the contrary
, consuming
excessively
over the screen may hamper their ability to concentrate and may lead to strain on the eyes, or worse, due to constant staring at
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "it"?
the it
. Along with educational programs available from the wide spectrum of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, there are few contents which the young counterparts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be exposed
to.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
dealing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
violence and adultery may affect the young minds, for the worse.

In conclusion
, considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
as the effective source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
as there are more effective ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
things such as reading books, interacting with
Consider using "classmates".
fellow classmates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
, and getting mentored from teachers at school.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Additionally
without proper parental guidance the machine may prove to be
Use "(harmful)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
harmful
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Television is a tool that can be used to learn. Therefore, children should be encouraged to watch it regularly at home and school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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