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Technology has changed the music industry for the last few decades. How it happened and do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Technology has changed the music industry for the last few decades. How it happened and do you think this is a positive or negative development? PLwM2
In the modern time, the music industry have a big change thanks to technology. I will give my own opinion in this essay below. On the one hand, this development has disadvantages for several reasons. Firstly, some singers are not famous for their real talent. In fact, more and more people use auto-tone to make their voice better, but their real voice is not good enough to become a singer. It may effect on singers who have good voice, also make their fan be disappointed. Secondly, it makes record labels and entertainment companies at risk of unemployment. With some devices at home such as a recording device, a micro, instruments, people can create a new song by themselves without cooperating with anyone, any companies. Therefore, these can may go bankrupt because of the development of technology in the music industry. On the other hand, I think that it is more beneficial for this improvement. The first reason is that more and more singers are well-known. Today, people are really hectic with working, so when they want to release stress, they will listen to music on the smartphone instead of using radio or the CD. Therefore, new singers are more known. If people do not follow this trend, they may not earn a lot of money. In fact, smartphones are really common nowadays, each individual also has their own smartphones, so when music makers upload their work on the internet, they will give more money than creating gramophone. Hence, technology plays an important role in improving the music industry. In conclusion, for the reasons above, I believe that the improvement of technology in the music industry is positive.
In the modern time, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
thanks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. I will give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion in this essay below.

On the one hand, this development has disadvantages for several reasons.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for their real talent. In fact, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
auto-tone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their voice better,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their real voice is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singer
. It may
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
voice,
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their fan
be disappointed
.
Secondly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
record labels and entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of unemployment. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
devices at home such as a recording device, a micro, instruments,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can create a new song by themselves without cooperating with anyone, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Therefore
,
Did you mean "this can" or "these cans"?
these can
may go bankrupt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is more beneficial for this improvement. The
first
reason is that more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
are well-known.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
really
hectic with working,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when they want to release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, they will listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
on the smartphone
instead
of using radio or the CD.
Therefore
, new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singers
are more known. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not follow this trend, they may not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money. In fact, smartphones are
really
common nowadays, each individual
also
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
smartphones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
makers upload their work on the internet, they will give more money than creating gramophone.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in improving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry.

In conclusion
, for the reasons above, I believe that the improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
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IELTS essay Technology has changed the music industry for the last few decades. How it happened and do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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