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Technologies have developed very fast in the past 100 years. However some people think that technological process has brought negative effects on the humanity. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Technologies have developed very fast in the past 100 years. However some people think that technological process has brought negative effects on the humanity. with this opinion? v. 2
It is true that the prevalence of advanced technologies in the past century fundamentally transformed the whole world. While some people opine that technological process has an adverse effect on human beings, I agree with this to some extent, because I hold a conviction that it is a both positive and negative trend. On the one hand, there are several disadvantages. Firstly, people have a tendency to indulge in a virtual world and to be isolated from the real world. Take the kids, whose parents give them handset devices with some animated applications as a convincing example. These intriguing technological gadgets can make their eye glued to and gradually become solitary children. Therefore, this may pose hidden threats to their social skills and weaken the relationship with family and friends. Moreover, technologies also give rise to the alarming security issues. As the uncontrolled development of technology results in some problems relating to the infringement on users’ privacy, including cyber espionage or identity theft. In many case, hackers use personal information to blackmail people or they will public it on social network equipment. Technologies can facilitate communication between people. Considered as brilliant technological inventions, communication equipment, like the Internet, telephones or computer has superseded the traditional ways of interacting. For example, business people in different countries have a tendency to make a teleconference to save travel cost as well as speed up the pace of programs. In addition, news coverage through the Internet or television helps the public instantly approach to current affairs. Because of that, they can find a new business opportunity or just keep abreast of this constantly changing world. In conclusion, while some potential problems can stem from the soaring increase in technological industry, I believe that some benefits people reaping from this phenomenon are undeniable.
It is true that the prevalence of advanced technologies in the past century
fundamentally
transformed the whole world. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
process has an adverse effect on human beings, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I hold a conviction that it is a both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend.

On the one hand, there are several disadvantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a tendency to indulge in a virtual world and to
be isolated
from the real world. Take the kids, whose parents give them handset devices with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
animated applications as a convincing example. These intriguing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
gadgets can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their eye glued to and
gradually
become solitary children.
Therefore
, this may pose hidden threats to their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and weaken the relationship with family and friends.
Moreover
, technologies
also
give rise to the alarming security issues. As the uncontrolled development of technology results in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems relating to the infringement on users’ privacy, including cyber espionage or identity theft. In
Possible agreement error. The noun case seems to be countable; consider using: "many cases".
many case
, hackers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
personal information to blackmail
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people or
they
The word 'public' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
will public
Did you mean "is" or "it is"?
it
on social network equipment.

Technologies can facilitate communication between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Considered as brilliant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
inventions, communication equipment, like the Internet, telephones or computer has superseded the traditional ways of interacting.
For example
, business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries have a tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a teleconference to save travel cost
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
speed up
the pace of programs.
In addition
, news coverage through the Internet or television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the public
instantly
approach to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
affairs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, they can find a new business opportunity or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
abreast of this
constantly
changing world.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential problems can stem from the soaring increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technological
industry, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reaping from this phenomenon are undeniable.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Technologies have developed very fast in the past 100 years. However some people think that technological process has brought negative effects on the humanity. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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