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technological improvement is cause for people live longer. agree or diagree

technological improvement is cause for people live longer. agree or diagree EdOVR
The global population is aging. There is no debate that technology has greatly benefited the lives of people. Personally, I believe that technological advancement is the cause for long life. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. To begin with, life expectancy has extended to 70 years or more in many countries. It is remarkably due to improved public health employing technological innovations for early detection of disease and management of disease condition. On top of that newly discovered pharmaceuticals and medical devices assist doctors in a wide range of ways. My personal example is a compelling illustration of this. When I was in eleventh grade I was diagnosed with stage two tuberculosis. Immediately I was admitted to the hospital and received numerous medications over the course of six month-long period. As a result, I was cured and could continue my studies. Secondly, another evident advantage of modern technology is the opportunity it creates for people to connect with each other. Strong social connection is important for both the physical and mental well-being of a person to live a healthy lifestyle. While no technology can replace in-person human interaction, older adults can communicate and connect with their loved ones by leveraging video chat services and other internet-based communication, helping to prevent social isolation and loneliness which can affect health and wellbeing. For instance, I stay in a town that is far away from where my grandmother lives. Sadly due to my busy schooling and a part-time job, I hardly get time to visit her personally. However, with a smartphone, I can talk to her at any time. Moreover, she remains engaged and entertained as she loves to watch funny videos and music uploaded on social media. Because she doesn’t get bored, she remains cheerful and happy. In conclusion, I strongly agree that technology is the main reason why people today, live longer than the earlier generations. This is because it helps to avoid serious health problems as well as improves the quality of life for older adults.
The global population is aging. There is no debate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
greatly
benefited the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Personally
, I believe that technological advancement is the cause for long life. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, life expectancy has extended to 70 years or more in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. It is
remarkably
due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
public health employing technological innovations for early detection of disease and management of disease condition.
On top of that
newly
discovered pharmaceuticals and medical devices assist doctors in a wide range of ways. My personal example is a compelling illustration of this.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
I was in eleventh grade I
was diagnosed
with stage two tuberculosis. Immediately I
was admitted
to the hospital and received numerous medications over the course of six month-long period.
As a result
, I
was cured
and could continue my studies.

Secondly
, another evident advantage of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is the opportunity it creates for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to connect with each other. Strong social connection is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for both the physical and mental well-being of a person to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a healthy lifestyle. While no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can replace in-person human interaction, older adults can communicate and connect with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones by leveraging video chat services and other internet-based communication, helping to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
social isolation and loneliness which can affect health and
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
.
For instance
, I stay in a town
that is
far away from where my grandmother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Sadly
due to my busy schooling and a part-time job, I hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time to visit her
personally
.
However
, with a smartphone, I can talk to her at any time.
Moreover
, she remains engaged and entertained as she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
funny
videos and music uploaded on social media.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
she doesn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored, she remains cheerful and happy.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is the main reason why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer than the earlier generations. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to avoid serious health problems
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the quality of life for older adults.
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IELTS essay technological improvement is cause for people live longer. agree or diagree

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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