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Task 2: For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Task 2: For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. v. 1
It is a fact that excellent, knowledgeable and experienced teachers will help students to do well in academic learning. However, their parents also have important roles in teaching them. I personally disagree that parents have less influence on their children's intelligence and social development than teachers and the essay will discuss about my view. To begin with, parents are their children's primary care givers and will spend many times with their children; therefore, children will have more chances to learn from them automatically. During school time,  children go to school to obtain knowledge by learning different kinds of subjects; however, what they learn are all from text books or labs and after school, parents are their mentors in their daily lives and teach their children a variety of thinking skills. For example, children with good parents' support and guiding will do better at schools and have good careers in their future. Moreover, high intelligence is inherited by genes from parents. In addition,  children's social development includes many contents, such as interpersonal skills, communication skills, and so on. It is definite that teachers will help their students to practice their communication skills via a variety of activities in classes; however, it takes long time for children to master social skills. Children have been  learning these skills since they were born. Their parents are their first teachers. For instance, researches indicate that children whose parents talked to them more in infant time will have better communication skills. These children tend to have better capacity of expressing themselves. In conclusion, at school teachers convey many knowledges and all kinds of skills to their students; however, parents pass more knowledges to their children during their lives and teach their children to master social skills. Parents play a more important role in influencing their children to become smarter and more competent than teachers.
It is a fact that excellent, knowledgeable and experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students to do well in academic learning.
However
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles in teaching them. I
personally
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have less influence on their children's intelligence and social development than teachers and the essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
 with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their children's primary care givers and will spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have more chances to learn from them
automatically
. During
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 children
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to obtain knowledge by learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of subjects;
however
, what they learn are all from text books or labs and after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their mentors in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a variety of thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
parents' support and guiding will do better at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
careers in their future.
Moreover
, high intelligence
is inherited
by genes from parents.

In addition
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
children's social development includes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contents, such as interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their students to practice their communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
via a variety of activities in classes;
however
, it takes long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to master social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have been
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
learning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
since they
were born
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
For instance
, researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
talked to them more in infant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will have better communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to have better capacity of expressing themselves.

In conclusion
, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
convey
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
 
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
and all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to their students;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
pass more
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
 to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to master social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
play a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in influencing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become smarter and more competent than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Task 2: For school children, their teachers have more influence on their intelligence and social development than their parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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