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talking online rather than face to face negative or positive developement?

talking online rather than face to face negative or positive developement? eeLbJ
With the advancement in technology, more and more people are increasingly communicating with each other on the internet. This might be a negative development due the hazardous effects on people's feeling and life. The forthcoming essay aims to elaborate on the reason why this might be detrimental for citizens. First and foremost, those, who interact with other, are highly likely to experience sense of depression. This might happen in case the ones spend much time in their house chatting online so that isolation, being at home for long time, make them dampen their spirit, feeling disappointed. For instance, according to the study which is conducted at Isfahan university of medical science, during covid-19 pandemic when residents are obliged to stay at home and not mingle with others the statistics of depression has dramatically increased. Furthermore, talking online can be a risk for people's life. Since regularly, yet fraudulent, internet users might utilize fake identities and present themselves fundamentally different from their true character, it would be risky chatting on social media. Did people start communicating with those, who never know about, on the internet, the trap people would fall in, most specifically teenagers. Teenagers and young people are impressionable and gullible, therefore, they are most prone to falling prey to fake identities. To recapitulate, albeit satisfactory to the period of lockdown, humans need to interact with each other in person so as to lift their spirit, resulting in a fantastic emotional well-being of society. Consequently, technological advancement has had a significant impact on keeping in touch with those, who live far from us, in case of immigration, we should be aware of some dangers, such as feeling disappointed and facing wrong crowd.
With the advancement in technology, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
increasingly
communicating with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
on the internet. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development due the hazardous effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's feeling and life. The forthcoming essay aims to elaborate on the reason why this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be detrimental for citizens.

First
and foremost, those, who interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, are
highly
likely to experience sense of depression. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
happen in case the ones spend much time in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
chatting online
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that isolation, being at home for long time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them dampen their spirit, feeling disappointed.
For instance
, according to the study which
is conducted
at Isfahan university of medical science, during
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid-19
pandemic when residents
are obliged
to stay at home and not mingle with others the statistics of depression has
dramatically
increased.

Furthermore
, talking online can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life. Since
regularly
,
yet
fraudulent, internet users
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
utilize fake identities and present themselves
fundamentally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from their true character, it would be risky chatting on social media. Did
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
communicating with those, who never know about, on the internet, the trap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would fall in, most
specifically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
and young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are impressionable and gullible,
therefore
, they are most prone to falling prey to fake identities.

To recapitulate, albeit satisfactory to the period of lockdown, humans need to interact with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in person
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
lift their spirit, resulting in a fantastic emotional well-being of society.
Consequently
, technological advancement has had a significant impact on keeping in touch with those, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far from us, in case of immigration, we should be aware of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
, such as feeling disappointed and facing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
crowd.
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IELTS essay talking online rather than face to face negative or positive developement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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