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Talk about your efforts now and in the future

Talk about your efforts now and in the future 0Emol
Today, I came back to my notebook and write something in my mind down in this notebook. Sometimes I feel lazy, and I do not want to illustrate my stories by making a note of my daily routine in it, but I try to come up with something entertaining to have some ideas for my paper blog every now. That is because, I would prefer to do some useful activities, which is beneficial for me to improve my writing skills, instead of wasting most of my time sleeping or laying on the grass to look at the stars in the sky. Furthermore, I always take advantage of my leisure time to learn English as well as read a book, and actually, I am fed up with playing games or hanging out with my friends just to enjoy a cup of coffee without any benefits. In addition, there is no point in being comfortable if you do not have any things in your hands. In my opinion, I honestly think of my future every time, and I worry that whether I could be successful soon and have enough time to care for my parents or not. Over the years, I have thought about my future, my family a lot, and every once in a while I tried to stop myself from paying attention to it; however, I was afraid to fail to succeed in being a businessman to meet my parents' needs, make them proud of me. That is all I wish to do, so I can do everything to make sure I can cash in later as well as my parents could be set for life thanks to me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, I came back to my notebook and write something in my mind down in this notebook.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
I feel lazy, and I do not want to illustrate my stories by making a note of my daily routine in it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with something entertaining to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for my paper blog every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, I would prefer to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful activities, which is beneficial for me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my writing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
instead
of wasting most of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
sleeping or laying on the grass to look at the stars in the sky.
Furthermore
, I always take advantage of my leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to learn English
as well
as read a book, and actually, I
am fed
up with playing games or hanging out with my friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to enjoy a cup of coffee without any benefits.
In addition
, there is no point in being comfortable if you do not have any things in your hands. In my opinion, I
honestly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of my future every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and I worry that whether I could be successful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to care for my parents or not. Over the years, I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about my future, my family a lot, and every once in a while I tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
myself from paying attention to it;
however
, I was afraid to fail to succeed in being a businessman to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
my parents' needs,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them proud of me.
That is
all I wish to do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I can do everything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure I can cash in later
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as my parents could
be set
for life thanks to
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
me
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IELTS essay Talk about your efforts now and in the future

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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