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Talk about a place you would like to visit and why. Give reasons and examples to support your opinion. v.1

Talk about a place you would like to visit and why. Give reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1
Without a doubt, people are living longer these days than ever before. In my opinion, this is a result of many helpful technological advances. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, developments in medical science have saved and lengthened many lives. Newly discovered pharmaceuticals and medical devices assist doctors in a wide range of ways. They help in the prevention of illness, in the diagnosis of disease and during treatment. My personal history is a compelling example of this. Several years ago I was diagnosed with skin cancer. Fortunately, my cancer was discovered at a very early stage and my doctor treated me right away. Moreover, I fortunately avoided experiencing any unexpected side-effects. All of this happened at a modern facility at a high-tech hospital close to my home. In contrast, several decades ago my grandfather passed away as a result of prostate cancer. He was diagnosed properly, but not soon enough to save his life. This was because there was simply no technology available to make the diagnosis at that time. Secondly, modern technology gives individuals much more manageable working lives than people had in the past. These days a lot of tasks are automated, which means they are carried out by computers or robotic systems. This means that, unlike in the past, employees don’t need to spend long hours at their workplace every day. For instance, I work just thirty-five hours each week. This gives me plenty of time in the evenings and weekends to get a lot of exercise and to relieve my stress by pursuing my hobbies. Moreover, most of my friends and colleagues have a similar schedule. I am quite certain that my anxiety-free life and healthy body will help me to live a long time. My uncle, who is much older than I, worked more than forty-five hours each week during his career. Without machines to pick up the slack for him, his duties were physically demanding and he developed a lot of mental health problems as he aged. The toll his work took on his body was a major cause of his early death by heart attack, in my opinion. The comparison of myself and my uncle demonstrate how today’s employment conditions help us live longer. In conclusion, I strongly believe that technology is the main reason why people today live longer than earlier generations. This is because it helps us to avoid serious health problems, and it makes our working lives a lot easier to bear.
Without a doubt,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are living longer these days than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In my opinion, this is a result of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
helpful technological advances. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, developments in medical science have saved and lengthened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Newly
discovered pharmaceuticals and medical devices assist doctors in a wide range of ways. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in the prevention of illness, in the diagnosis of disease and during treatment. My personal history is a compelling example of this. Several years ago I
was diagnosed
with skin cancer.
Fortunately
, my cancer
was discovered
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early stage and my doctor treated me right away.
Moreover
, I
fortunately
avoided experiencing any unexpected
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
. All of this happened at a modern facility at a high-tech hospital close to my home.
In contrast
, several decades ago my grandfather passed away
as a result
of prostate cancer. He
was diagnosed
properly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to save his life. This was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there was
simply
no technology available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the diagnosis at that time.

Secondly
, modern technology gives individuals much more manageable working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had in the past. These days a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of tasks
are automated
, which means they
are carried
out by computers or robotic systems. This means that, unlike in the past, employees don’t need to spend long hours at their workplace every day.
For instance
, I work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
thirty-five hours each week. This gives me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time in the evenings and weekends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of exercise and to relieve my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by pursuing my hobbies.
Moreover
, most of my friends and colleagues have a similar schedule. I am quite certain that my anxiety-free life and healthy body will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a long time. My uncle, who is much older than I, worked more than forty-five hours each week during his career. Without machines to pick up the slack for him, his duties were
physically
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
demanding and
he developed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of mental health problems as he aged. The toll his work took on his body was a major cause of his early death by heart attack, in my opinion. The comparison of myself and my uncle demonstrate how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s employment conditions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that technology is the main reason why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer than earlier generations. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
us to avoid serious health problems, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
our working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
easier to bear.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Talk about a place you would like to visit and why. Give reasons and examples to support your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
425 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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