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Talk about a place you enjoyed going to or visiting when you were a child. Describe the place. Explain why you enjoyed it. v.2

Talk about a place you enjoyed going to or visiting when you were a child. Describe the place. Explain why you enjoyed it. v. 2
Exercise is the simplest way, which can help us to be healthy. There are numerous workout available to keep us fit. One should opt healthy habits in their daily life. Many people do not get time do to activity due to busy working schedules. This essay will discuss why these problems are affecting us and how we can overcome it. The fact of the matter is, people are too busy earning money that they forgot to take care of themselves. They are busy earning money to maintain their status, peer competition at the workplace and meeting the timeline set by employer's have bought them at certain points that they do not have time for exercising. To Illustrate, More millennials working extra hours to earn some more perks. Therefore they left with less leisure time and the time they have they spend on phone, computers and television rather going to the gym or training centres. Supporters will argue that to fulfil the client's requirement they have to do overtime at work. Although, I believe there are many other ways to be fit. Less exercise will eventually give problems like stress, obesity, and heart attacks Perphas, to avoid it employers should make some polices like work from home, provide a small exercise break between working hours and also the employees should try to walk or ride bicycle at work. For example, In Australia, where there was a high obesity rate during 1989, has now decreased as people started using bicycles at a job rather taking cars. In conclusion, maintaining high standard and employer's timelines is vital, but one can easily be healthy. By using small workout techniques and ask companies to implement a fitness program at offices. "Perhaps Health is wealth".
Exercise is the simplest way, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to be healthy. There are numerous
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "workouts"?
workout
available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us fit. One should opt healthy habits in their daily life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
do to activity due to busy working schedules. This essay will discuss why these problems are affecting us and how we can overcome it.

The fact of the matter is,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are too busy earning money that they forgot to take care of themselves. They are busy earning money to maintain their status, peer competition at the workplace and meeting the timeline set by employer's have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
them at certain points that they do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercising. To Illustrate, More millennials working extra hours to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
more perks.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with less leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they have they spend on phone, computers and television
rather
going to the gym or training
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.

Supporters will argue that to fulfil the client's requirement they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do overtime at work.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, I believe there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other ways to
be fit
. Less exercise will
eventually
give problems like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, obesity, and heart attacks
Possible spelling mistake found.
Perphas
, to avoid it employers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
polices like work from home, provide a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
exercise break between working hours and
also
the employees should try to walk or ride bicycle at work.
For example
, In Australia, where there was a high obesity rate during 1989, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
decreased as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
using bicycles at a job
rather
taking cars.

In conclusion
, maintaining high standard and employer's timelines is vital,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
one can
easily
be healthy. By using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
workout techniques and ask
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to implement a fitness program at offices.
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Perhaps Health is wealth
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Talk about a place you enjoyed going to or visiting when you were a child. Describe the place. Explain why you enjoyed it. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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