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Sucessful sports professional shouldn't paid more than people in other fields

Sucessful sports professional shouldn't paid more than people in other fields dkN6d
The incomes of sports athletes with great achievements may be much larger than those of people in other careers. While some people argue that this is fully justified while others think it is unfair, I believe it is not impartial. On the one hand, a few people think that there are a number of excuses for this trend. Firstly, athletes have a short occupation in comparison with other professions. For example, soccer player usually retire at the age of 30 while the policeman can work until they are 60 years old. Secondly, if the sportsperson want do something and turns out pretty good, they must work hard and sometimes exchange their lives and health. Finally the famous athetes can represent the country of all over the world and make proud of all the people of nations. On the orther hand, i would agrue that sodier employees lost their lives for the country and for nations people, but they can't be paid a high salary. Doctors contribute an important part in the future of the country, the life of the country. Moreover, the doctor has to work throughout the day and night attending to serious patients or victims of war, epidemic or major accident however they can't earn more money than the successful atheletes. Furthermore, teachers play an important role in imparting knowledge and shaping the character and personality of children but are paid a meager amount. People who make great contributions to society should be paid a lot In conclusion, I think it's not fair to the incomes of people in  other careers. The goverment should pay an amount suitable for different professions.
The incomes of sports athletes with great achievements may be much larger than those of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
careers. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that this is
fully
justified while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is unfair, I believe it is not impartial.

On the one hand, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are a number of excuses for this trend.
Firstly
, athletes have a short occupation
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions.
For example
, soccer player
usually
retire at the age of 30 while the policeman can work until they are 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Secondly
, if the sportsperson
Probably a preposition is missing after 'want'.
want do
something and turns out pretty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
exchange their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and health.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Possible spelling mistake found.
athetes
can represent the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
of all over the world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
proud of all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of nations.

On the
Possible spelling mistake found.
orther
hand,
Did you mean "I"?
i
would
Possible spelling mistake found.
agrue
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
sodier
employees lost their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and for nations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can't
be paid
a high salary. Doctors contribute an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in the future of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, the life of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Moreover
, the doctor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work throughout the day and night attending to serious patients or victims of war, epidemic or major accident
however
they can't earn more money than the successful
Possible spelling mistake found.
atheletes
.
Furthermore
, teachers play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in imparting knowledge and shaping the character and personality of children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
are paid
a meager amount.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
great contributions to society should
be paid
a lot

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it's not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to the incomes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
careers. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
should pay an amount suitable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
professions.
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IELTS essay Sucessful sports professional shouldn't paid more than people in other fields

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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