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successful people are the ones who try new things

successful people are the ones who try new things 922j
In my opinion, successful people are the ones who try new things rather than doing activities that they already know. Many people achieve success in our society such as scientists, businessmen, and political leaders because of their hunger to do something new, to take risks, and to continue their efforts till they get success. To begin with, the quality of the person’s character drags him/her toward success. Some extraordinary people always keep themselves doing something new to find something different. For example, NASA scientists are in search of life on Mars. It Doesn’t matter whether they get success or not but they keep on trying to find it with the hope of achieving their goal. Thus, their eagerness will lead to success someday. The second important thing is We find many businessmen surrounding us took many risks to be successful businessmen. If they would have stopped taking risks then they would not have been successful. For instance, the most successful businessman Mr. Bill Gates had been passed through many hurdles in his life but he did not get tired and instead kept on working on it and taking risks to be successful. Thus, the risk-taking ability of Bill Gates made him a popular and successful businessman. Lastly, successful people continue their efforts to get success. They do not sit calmly and quietly till they get it. As I gave the example of scientists of NASA in my previous former paragraph, even though they did not get any success in their search for life on Mars, they keep on trying. To conclude, successful people take risks and try to do something new rather than doing things that they already are familiar with know. {try to rephrase the thesis a little more} So they keep on doing some things, {“some things” sounds pretty vague} take a risk and continue their efforts to be successful rather than just doing what they know.
In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the ones who try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
activities that they already know.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
achieve
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success
in our society such as scientists, businessmen, and political leaders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their hunger to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
, to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
, and to continue their efforts till they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the quality of the person’s character drags him/her toward
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success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
extraordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
For example
, NASA scientists are in search of life on Mars. It Doesn’t matter whether they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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success
or not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
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keep
on trying to find it with the hope of achieving their goal.
Thus
, their eagerness will lead to
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success
someday. The second
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is We find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businessmen surrounding us took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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risks
to be
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successful
businessmen. If they would have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
then they would not have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
For instance
, the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
businessman Mr. Bill Gates had
been passed
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hurdles in his life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired and
instead
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on working on it and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
-taking ability of Bill Gates made him a popular and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
businessman.

Lastly
,
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successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue their efforts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. They do not sit
calmly
and
quietly
till they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it. As I gave the example of scientists of NASA in my previous former paragraph,
even though
they did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any
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success
in their search for life on Mars, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
on trying.

To conclude
,
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successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take
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risks
and try to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
things that they already are familiar with know. {try to rephrase the thesis a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
more}
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things, {“
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things” sounds pretty vague} take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and continue their efforts to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
what they know.
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IELTS essay successful people are the ones who try new things

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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