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Subjects like art, music drama and theatre gives a lot of time. Do agree or disagree?

Subjects like art, music drama and theatre gives a lot of time. Do agree or disagree? o5y8q
Most of the schools are teaching major and minor subjects, but some other schools they give a lot of time the in minor subjects like art, music, drama and theater. In this statement, i totally disagree for a reason that they are both important and must balance the time of teaching. First, introducing minor subjects( art, music, drama and theatre) and major subjects (math, english and science) to the students will give them idea what they want to pursue in the future. Students, specially in their development stage will gathered all information so they can decide what they really want for themselves. For example, one of my classmate in high school enjoyed our music subject which they taught us how to play piano, so he decided to take conservatory of music in college. Giving the opportunity to learn will help the students in decision making for their future. Secondly, minor subjects will help the students to enhance their abilities and talents like singing, dancing and acting. In a contrary, they must balance also the time for major subjects for them to become knowledgeable in all aspect of life. For instance, my friend who had been working in music industry for 5 years, but now as a manager of the bank because the music company got bankrupted. That is why education is essential for all of us specially students. To be conclude, schools must introduce major and minor subjects to the students by teaching them in a balance time to able to clear their mind for their future decision and to have a knowledge that will helps them a lot.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
they give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
the in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like art,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, drama and theater. In this statement,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
totally
disagree for a reason that they are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
balance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of teaching.

First
, introducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
subjects
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
art,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, drama and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
) and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
(math,
Possible spelling mistake found.
english
and science) to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will give them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
what they want to pursue in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
,
specially
in their development stage will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "gather"
gathered
all information
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can decide what they
really
want for themselves.
For example
, one of my classmate in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
enjoyed our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
which they taught us how to play piano,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he decided to take conservatory of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in college.

Giving the opportunity to learn will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
for their future.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to enhance their abilities and talents like singing, dancing and acting. In a contrary, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
balance
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
for them to become knowledgeable in all aspect of life.
For instance
, my friend who had been working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry for 5 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
as a manager of the bank
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
bankrupted.
That is
why education is essential for all of us
specially
students.

To be
Consider using a past participle here: "concluded".
conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
introduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
by teaching them in a balance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Did you mean "to be able"?
to able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
their mind for their future decision and to have a knowledge that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them a lot.
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IELTS essay Subjects like art, music drama and theatre gives a lot of time. Do agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
269 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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