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Stress related illness are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v.5

Stress related illness are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 5
Nowadays physical disorders linking with stress have become commonplace. I believe that imbalance in work and personal life is prime contributor to this phenomenon while environmental problems can also be counted as the secondary factor. This essay will explain aforementioned points in detail alongside viable solutions that might help in mitigating the root. Firstly, work-life balance is essential in todays' world as one merely can spare time from hectic schedule for recreational purposes or even to spend it with family. If relaxation time is not available, it can cause severe health issues such as mental trauma which can be in any form such as anxiety and depression. Because of this reason, psychiatrists recommend two hour of stress-free time to be spared every day to relax mind. Additionally, environmental disturbances such as noise pollution generated by vehicles and construction sites could also be the issue, as it is backed by the latest researches which have promisingly linked these with loss of focus and troubled subconscious. While above mentioned problems seems to be the root causes, certain remedies are available to us. First of all, as per the suggestion, one must spend time on leisure activities, such as outing with friends, to calm the mind. These not only help to relax but also assist in better understanding of life problems as one can focus on overall picture. Furthermore, government should impose strict environmental policies such as confined construction space and ban on loud vehicle horns. These steps will significantly reduce noises and raise the quality of life. For instance, Bhutan has imposed these laws and surveys have found an exponential drop in mental strain in that country. In conclusion, while unavailability of free-time and loud noises in metropolitan can stem mental sickness, certain steps can be taken by individual and government to reduce the effects, namely, planned daily life schedule and environmental laws.
Nowadays physical disorders linking with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
have become commonplace. I believe that imbalance in work and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is prime contributor to this phenomenon while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
problems can
also
be counted
as the secondary factor. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
aforementioned points in detail alongside viable solutions that might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in mitigating the root.

Firstly
, work-life balance is essential in
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays&
#039; world as one
merely
can spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from hectic schedule for recreational purposes or even to spend it with family. If relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is not available, it can cause severe health issues such as mental trauma which can be in any form such as anxiety and depression.
Because of this
reason, psychiatrists recommend two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'hour' seems to be countable, so consider using: "hours".
hour
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
be spared
every day to relax mind.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
disturbances such as noise pollution generated by vehicles and construction sites could
also
be the issue, as it
is backed
by the latest researches which have
promisingly
linked these with loss of focus and troubled subconscious.

While above mentioned problems seems to be the root causes, certain remedies are available to us.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as per the suggestion, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on leisure activities, such as outing with friends, to calm the mind. These not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to relax
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
assist in better understanding of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
problems as one can focus on
overall
picture.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
policies such as confined construction space and ban on loud vehicle horns. These steps will
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
noises and raise the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, Bhutan has imposed these laws and surveys have found an exponential drop in mental strain in that country.

In conclusion
, while unavailability of free-time and loud noises in metropolitan can stem mental sickness, certain steps can
be taken
by individual and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the effects,
namely
, planned daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
schedule and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environmental
laws.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Stress related illness are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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