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Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. What is your opinion? v.2

Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. What is your opinion? v. 2
In the modern world, many people are willing to explore the space in form to colonise or search for other planets. However, others feel that the government should subsidise other projects rather than these activities, as they are not beneficial for the human kind or other areas such as education and health care are more essential than researching the outer area. Personally, I believe that the authorities should pay attention to the other planets in order to collect the information for the ordinary people. On the one hand, it is true that humankind cannot live on the Earth in the future, as its atmosphere is polluted. In this reason, many people are reckoned to think that such kinds of researchers are beneficial for the society. Moreover, the Earth cannot provide the food and material resources, as the population is growing. To illustrate, 1 billion people are born in the last decade. As a result, the planet is suffering from overpopulation. On the other hand, it is clear that many people are keen to think that the government should spend the budget for its citizens, as they should receive the education, health service and food resources. Moreover, they tend to think that cosmos exploration is too expensive and not profitable. In this regard, many people believe that the authorities should not hold the research of outer space. However, the private companies can solve this problem. For example, a SPACE X company is exploring the Mars in order to send a manned space flight. In conclusion, although many people believe that such kinds of activities are not beneficial for the people, personally, I believe that government should fund such kinds of researches in order to provide the information for the ordinary people. In addition, the solar system should be learned because it is vital for the next generation.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to explore the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
in form to
Possible spelling mistake. 'colonise' is British English.
colonise
or search for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
planets.
However
, others feel that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'subsidise' is British English.
subsidise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
projects
rather
than these activities, as they are not beneficial for the human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas such as education and health care are more essential than researching the outer area.
Personally
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the authorities should pay attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
planets in order to collect the information for the ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, it is true that humankind cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on the Earth in the future, as its atmosphere
is polluted
. In this reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are reckoned
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of researchers are beneficial for the society.
Moreover
, the Earth cannot provide the food and material resources, as the population is growing. To illustrate, 1 billion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are born
in the last decade.
As a result
, the planet is suffering from overpopulation.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend the budget for its citizens, as they should receive the education, health service and food resources.
Moreover
, they tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that cosmos exploration is too expensive and not profitable. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the authorities should not hold the research of outer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
.
However
, the private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can solve this problem.
For example
, a
Did you mean "SpaceX" (= aerospace company)?
SPACE X
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
is exploring the Mars in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a manned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
flight.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of activities are not beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
personally
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should fund such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of researches in order to provide the information for the ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
In addition
, the solar system should
be learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is vital for the
next
generation.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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