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Someone won a Lottery and party

Someone won a Lottery and party GLqQo
I was loading some stuff into the car. Suddenly, I saw someone who is carrying a pile of money. I thought, perhaps he had stolen from a bank. All of sudden, he rushed to my side and told me that he won a lottery. And instantly, we decided to head to the ATM to withdraw the money. But what we saw was really insane and crazy at the same moment we met the company chairman and he promised job to my son right after he finish his college. Afterwards, we hosted a very big festival to all my homie and old friends to just share with my happiness, feel their energy and I spent 10 percent of my lottery currency. Absolutely, it was a joyful day and I don’t know whether I will be lucky enough to meet such a cool moment for my entire life. My siblings, parents and cousins were invited to the party and obviously, they were pretty emotional to my win. Ultimately, we had a great meal all together and my mother cooked an extremely delicious barbecue. I always enjoy eating a grilled leg piece lamb, fortunately, I got it and really it was tasty. I hope to explore more new things in my life and I wish to help the needy people among our society.
I was loading
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stuff into the car.
Suddenly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
someone who is carrying a pile of money. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, perhaps he had stolen from a bank.
Consider using "All of a sudden" or "All of the sudden".
All of sudden
, he rushed to my side and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me that he won a lottery. And
instantly
, we decided to head to the ATM to withdraw the money.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
what we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
was
really
insane and crazy at the same moment we met the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
chairman and
he promised job to my son right after he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "finishes", "finished".
finish
his college.

Afterwards, we hosted a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
festival to all my
Possible spelling mistake found.
homie
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
friends to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
share with my happiness, feel their energy and I spent 10 percent of my lottery currency.
Absolutely
, it was a joyful day and I don’t know whether I will be lucky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
such a cool moment for my entire life. My siblings, parents and cousins
were invited
to the party and
obviously
, they were pretty emotional to my win.

Ultimately
, we had a great meal all together and my mother cooked an
extremely
delicious barbecue. I always enjoy eating a grilled leg piece lamb,
fortunately
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
it and
really
it was tasty. I hope to explore more new things in my life and I wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
among our society.
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IELTS essay Someone won a Lottery and party

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
220 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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