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Some young people like to copy the behaviour and clothes of famous people.

Some young people like to copy the behaviour and clothes of famous people. R5xGk
In modern society, celebrities play a significant role in society. Due to their major influence, many young people mimics their styles of clothing and actions because of their desires to be a perfect individual. However, this has cost them the loss of identity. Firstly, people look up to celebrities such as pop stars, famous dancers because they often appears in a perfect image of how one should live a life. It is easy to find famous people living in luxury apartments, driving the most expensive cars, or donning the lastest clothes. They are also portraited as polite and successful individuals which are used as models in many families. As a result, many teenagers have made many attempts to dress and live like them with a hope to become famous and admired. This is the reason why many young people are not hesitant to lavish their money on sensational outfits and to follow what celebrities do. However, these courses of actions have lead youngsters to self-identity crisis. Young people normally have not fully develop their acknowledgement of their own characteristics, therefore, they easily fall into the trap of being someone else but their authentic self. These young people are immersed in the fancy world created by famous figures and then lose track of the reality, hence waste their time pursuing superficial value. Moreover, the loving and kind personality that celebrities show to the public eye are only for selling products to make more money. As a result, the image that teenagers long to become are absolute artificial. In conclusion, young generation have a tendency to be an exact copy of famous people because they want to possess what famous stars have. Nevertheless, the price they have to pay is the frivolous of their own identity.
In modern society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
play a significant role in society. Due to their major influence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
mimics
their styles of clothing and actions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their desires to be a perfect individual.
However
, this has cost them the loss of identity.

Firstly
,
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people
look up to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
such as pop stars,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
dancers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
appears in a perfect image of how one should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a life. It is easy to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in luxury apartments, driving the most expensive cars, or donning the
Possible spelling mistake found.
lastest
clothes. They are
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
portraited
as polite and successful individuals which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as models in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
attempts to dress and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
like them with a hope to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and admired. This is the reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not hesitant to lavish their money on sensational outfits and to follow what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do.

However
, these courses of actions have lead youngsters to self-identity crisis.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
normally
have not
fully
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "developed".
develop
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'acknowledgement' is British English.
acknowledgement
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
characteristics,
therefore
, they
easily
fall into the trap of being someone else
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their authentic self. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are immersed
in the fancy world created by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
figures and then lose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of the reality,
hence
waste their time pursuing superficial value.
Moreover
, the loving and kind personality that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
to the public eye are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for selling products to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money.
As a result
, the image that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
long to become are absolute artificial.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation have a tendency to be an exact copy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to possess what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
stars have.
Nevertheless
, the price they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay is
The phrase 'the frivolous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the frivolous of
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
identity.
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IELTS essay Some young people like to copy the behaviour and clothes of famous people.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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