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Some young people commit serious crimes, such as robbery or violent attacks, some people think they should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some young people commit serious crimes, such as robbery or violent attacks, some people think they should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 2
Nowadays, juvenile delinquency becomes a compelling concern in the society. Some people consider that young offenders who commit serious crimes deserve the same punishment as adults. However, I completely disagree with this point of view. To begin with, I recognise that an appropriate punishment is crucial to the whole society, including young criminals, victims, and the public. Not only letting the young criminals realise that their behaviour is wrong, a proper punishment also works to prevent them from committing heinous crimes. For the victims and their family, it can be a consolation or a revenge after the tragic circumstances. Moreover, it plays a role as deterrent, warning the potential wrong-doers about the consequences after breaking laws, hence lower crime rate. On the other hand, it is unnecessary to punish youngsters and adults in the same way because the different situation between them. The mind of young criminals is still immature that they cannot tell right from wrong. They are easily influenced by media, following some bad role models blindly. Rather than imposing a harsh sentence on them as on adults, it is in pressing need to help them back to the society. They should sit in the classroom instead of being locked behind the bars for a long period. Furthermore, juveniles tend to learn faster than adults. By some alternative measures, such as school education and community services, they can reconstruct their ethical value and contribute to the society. In conclusion, although it is undeniable that young criminals should receive penalty, I suggest that distinct measures must be set between youngsters and adults.
Nowadays, juvenile delinquency becomes a compelling concern in the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
offenders who commit serious crimes deserve the same punishment as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
However
, I completely disagree with this point of view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
that an appropriate punishment is crucial to the whole society, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
, victims, and the public. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
letting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, a proper punishment
also
works to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from committing heinous crimes. For the victims and their family, it can be a consolation or a revenge after the tragic circumstances.
Moreover
, it plays a role as deterrent, warning the potential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
-doers about the
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "after". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences after
breaking laws,
hence
lower crime rate.

On the other hand
, it is unnecessary to punish youngsters and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in the same way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situation between them. The mind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
is
still
immature that they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
right from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. They are
easily
influenced by media, following
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role models
blindly
.
Rather
than imposing a harsh sentence on them as on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, it is in pressing need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them back to the society. They should sit in the classroom
instead
of
being locked
behind the bars for a long period.
Furthermore
, juveniles tend to learn faster than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. By
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
alternative measures, such as school education and community services, they can reconstruct their ethical value and contribute to the society.

In conclusion
, although it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
should receive penalty, I suggest that distinct measures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be set
between youngsters and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some young people commit serious crimes, such as robbery or violent attacks, some people think they should be punished in the same way as adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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