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some universities and making sports aa a mandatory module to reduce the rate of obesity, to what extent do you agree?

some universities and making sports aa a mandatory module to reduce the rate of obesity, xm85o
In the present world where we have computers and gadgets around, universities are emphasizing physical activities like sports in their curriculum. Although some may feel that it may not impact on rates of obesity, I strongly believe that it will have a positive impact in the control of obesity. To start with, the main two reason for obesity are frequent eating and physically inactive lifestyle. Let us analyse these two. In our past, our forefathers were used to be hunters and gatherers. The working of a human body is highly dependent on its physical activity. If a person is involved in physical activity the metabolism of the body will work better and the person will remain fit. While, if a person has inactive schedule it may lead to obesity. Obese persons are likely to have an inactive routine as compared to fit persons. it is undoubtful, that sports are one of the most significant physical activity which one may follow to keep oneself fit. but, some may or may not understand the fact. Hence, sports should be certainly a part of every curriculum so that every student must do it. This will keep the students physically active and in turn will help in decreasing obesity. Secondly, it has been found in a study that if a student goes for exercise or sports before a class, his productivity in the class increases manifolds. As a result, the student enjoys his class work more and is not likely to be engaged in activities like frequent eating, which is a most common cause of obesity. Thus, indirectly the sports will help improving his concentration on important things and activities and restrict him to be indulged in frequent eating. Additionally, sports help students inculcate many good habits like team building, strategic planning and leadership. All these will help him in his career development which is a significant aim for universities. Hence, considering above submissions, I strongly agree that universities must mandate the students to take sports as a part of their course as it will certainly help reducing obesity rates in students. Some people may argue that they are not good at sports or it will waste their time, but the advantage will certainly outweigh these arguments.
In the present world where we have computers and gadgets around, universities are emphasizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in their curriculum. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may feel that it may not impact on rates of obesity, I
strongly
believe that it will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact in the control of obesity.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the main two reason for obesity are frequent eating and
physically
inactive lifestyle.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
these two.

In our past, our forefathers were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be hunters and gatherers. The working of a human body is
highly
dependent on its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
the metabolism of the body will work better and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will remain fit. While, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has inactive schedule it may lead to obesity. Obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
are likely to have an inactive routine as compared to fit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
undoubtful
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are one of the most significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
which one may follow to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
oneself fit.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
but
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may or may not understand the fact.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should be
certainly
a part of every curriculum
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do it. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
physically
active and in turn will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in decreasing obesity.

Secondly
, it has
been found
in a study that if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
goes for exercise or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, his productivity in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
increases manifolds.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
enjoys his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
work more and is not likely to
be engaged
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like frequent eating, which is a most common cause of obesity.
Thus
,
indirectly
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to improve" or "improve".
improving
his concentration on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and restrict him to
be indulged
in frequent eating.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
inculcate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits like team building, strategic planning and leadership. All these will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
him in his career development which is a significant aim for universities.

Hence
, considering above submissions, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that universities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
mandate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as a part of their course as it will
certainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to reduce" or "reduce".
reducing
obesity rates in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may argue that they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or it will waste their time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the advantage will
certainly
outweigh these arguments.
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IELTS essay some universities and making sports aa a mandatory module to reduce the rate of obesity,

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
373 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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