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Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. LX5n
Playing a sport at field is essential for children's development rather than squander time on playing games on TVs or computers. I concur with the given statement and I believe that children must have to spend their few hours with others while playing outdoor games. The upcoming paragraphs will discuss some ideas to support my opinion. To embark with, external activities not only benefited for children's health but also boost their self-esteemed and confidence standard. To elaborate further, it is a universal truth that physical and metal well-being must be equally develop among youngsters and it is only possible when they take part in sports and other outdoor exercises. For instance, a survey conducted recently by the WHO has revealed that 40% of children are victim of loneliness and stress owing to spend most of time while playing video games instead of joining their age groups at outside. Moreover, when they try to beat the competitors with their practice it will enhance their confidence skill. This ability makes them stronger personality to handle the difficult situation. Hence, outdoor sports are blesses for offspring to keep themselves physically and psychologically fit. To elucidate further, numerous other development also can be seen in children due to outdoor movements. Firstly, they get a chance to meet new people and their social circle would be increased when they play at outdoor. Secondly, they could learn the value of cooperating and helping of others while playing sports. This will help to achieve internal satisfaction which never be attained with video games. Additionally, external activities connect them with the nature and offer positive energy to destroy negative thoughts from their unconscious mind. Therefore, with the assist of these outer movements children are able to maintain their social and personal lives. To recapitulate, aforementioned factors are manifest that outdoor activities are much beneficial than indoor games such as video games. Children should take part in these activities regularly to establish themselves as a potent person in the future life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
at field is essential for children's development
rather
than squander time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on TVs or computers. I concur with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement and I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend their few hours with others while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The upcoming paragraphs will discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to support my opinion.

To embark with, external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefited for children's health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
boost their self-esteemed and confidence standard. To elaborate
further
, it is a universal truth that physical and metal well-being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
equally
Consider using a past participle here: "developed".
develop
among youngsters and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
exercises.
For instance
, a survey conducted recently by the WHO has revealed that 40% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are victim of loneliness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
owing to spend
Consider using "most time" or "most of the time".
most of time
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of joining their age groups at outside.
Moreover
, when they try to beat the competitors with their practice it will enhance their confidence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
. This ability
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them stronger personality to handle the difficult situation.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are blesses for offspring to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves
physically
and
psychologically
fit.

To elucidate
further
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
development
also
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
movements.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and their social circle would
be increased
when they play at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
.
Secondly
, they could learn the value of cooperating and helping of others while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to achieve internal satisfaction which never
be attained
with video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Additionally
, external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
connect them with the nature and offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
energy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thoughts from their unconscious mind.
Therefore
, with the assist of these outer movements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to maintain their social and personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

To recapitulate, aforementioned factors are manifest that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are much
Use "(beneficial)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
beneficial
than indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
regularly
to establish themselves as a potent person in the future life.
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IELTS essay Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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