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some think person's intelligence is inherited while others believe some environment factors is the main cause. Discuss both view

some think person's intelligence is inherited while others believe some environment factors is the main cause. Discuss both view DN6x6
Nowadays, knowledge and skills are what every parents expecting from their children. A number of people think is acquired whiles others think differently. There are valid points on both side which will consider in this essay. On the one hand, there are number of people who acquire intelligence from family members. For instance, during the olden days, skills and knowledge were attain during child birth in certain families. Some parents who are substantial clever are very likely to give birth to same offspring. Furthermore, parents teach their ward to behavior exactly like them. Family such as those who are rich will probably make sure their children perform better and prepare well towards future. On the other hand, several environmental issues account to a person's intelligence. Firstly, education has consisted to how a person will be intelligent. For example, people with low level of acquiring things can be better off prepared by learning experience from teachers in school. In addition, technology plays vital role in people's intelligence level. In countries like America, Britain, and other developed nations, the use of computer starts at tender age. They are taught o how to use them and broadens their mind. In conclusion, environmental factors are the vast major reasons why people can gain knowledge and power. However, inheriting it from parents account to it in certain ways
Nowadays, knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are what every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
expecting from their children. A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is acquired
whiles others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
differently
. There are valid points on both side which will consider in this essay.

On the one hand, there are number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who acquire intelligence from family members.
For instance
, during the olden days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge were
Consider using a past participle here: "attained".
attain
during child birth in certain families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who are substantial clever are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
likely to give birth to same offspring.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
teach their ward to behavior exactly like them. Family such as those who are rich will
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure their children perform better and prepare well towards future.

On the other hand
, several environmental issues account to a person's intelligence.
Firstly
, education has
The usual preposition for "consisted" is "of" not "to". Revise: "consisted of".
consisted to
how a person will be intelligent.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with low level of acquiring things can be better off prepared by learning experience from teachers in school.
In addition
, technology plays vital role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's intelligence level. In countries like America, Britain, and other developed nations, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
at tender age. They
are taught
o how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them and broadens their mind.

In conclusion
, environmental factors are the vast major reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can gain knowledge and power.
However
, inheriting it from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
account to it in certain ways
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IELTS essay some think person's intelligence is inherited while others believe some environment factors is the main cause. Discuss both view

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
222 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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