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Some students work part-time. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

Some students work part-time. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? 70JAn
Nowadays a majority of students tries to find a part-time job, based on their speciality or not. There are two contrast opinion connected with this issue: some people suppose it is necessary to employ to become independent while others are sure that combining education and working influences both activities negatively. As for my opinion, I suggest this issue have more drawbacks than benefits. One of the most negative side is students’ lack of free time caused by extra business. A number of researches has proved that young people having to work while their group mates travel with friends and visit parties feel depressed. Consequently, it influences their productivity in all spheres dramatically. Also it is quite remarkable that huge part of students participated in part-time working are less careful about their academic duties. Moreover, sometimes people have to miss classes because of their schedule and it causes declining of education’s quality. Of course, that is a noticeable disadvantage. On the other hand, in most of cases, working during getting degree helps young people to become more independent. They become well-qualified earlier and make valuable professional acquaintances, and it affects their self-esteem positively. So, I cannot ignore this benefit. For the number of reasons, it seems to me it is more preferable for students to focus on studying and university social life than building a career in this age. I believe that prioritizing correctly helps young people to be more productive during education process and to get high results. D1: To sum up, there are a number of parallels both Italian and Spanish have, such as origination, quite close lexical and grammar structure, and it makes communication of these languages speakers possible. D2: In conclusion, living in a huge metropolis provides a noticeable quantity of benefits, from career perspectives and available entertainment to fascinating mix of cultures brought by migrants. E1: Finally, although tsunamis create many problems, there are some reasons why they happens. E2: To conclude, heritable human genome editing is a powerful technology that should be used meaning also its ethical side. E3: In conclusion, farming in Australia can be difficult due to drought and other phenomenas of nature.
Nowadays a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tries to find a part-time job, based on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'speciality' is British English.
speciality
or not. There are two contrast opinion connected with this issue:
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suppose it is necessary to employ to become independent while others are sure that combining education and working influences both activities
negatively
. As for my opinion, I suggest this issue have more drawbacks than benefits.

One of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
lack of free time caused by extra business. A number of researches has proved that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having to work while their group mates travel with friends and visit parties feel depressed.
Consequently
, it influences their productivity in all spheres
dramatically
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it is quite remarkable that huge part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
participated in part-time working are less careful about their academic duties.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
miss classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their schedule and it causes declining of education’s quality.
Of course
,
that is
a noticeable disadvantage.

On the other hand
, in
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the cases") or simply say "most cases".
most of cases
, working during getting degree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to become more independent. They become well-qualified earlier and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
valuable professional acquaintances, and it affects their self-esteem
positively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
this benefit.

For the number of reasons, it seems to me it is more preferable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to focus on studying and university social life than building a career in this age. I believe that prioritizing
correctly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more productive during education process and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high results.

D1: To sum up, there are a number of parallels both Italian and Spanish have, such as origination, quite close lexical and grammar structure, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
communication of these languages speakers possible.

D2:
In conclusion
, living in a huge metropolis provides a noticeable quantity of benefits, from career perspectives and available entertainment to fascinating mix of cultures brought by migrants.

E1:
Finally
, although tsunamis create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "happen"
happens
.

E2:
To conclude
, heritable human genome editing is a powerful technology that should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
meaning
also
its ethical side.

E3:
In conclusion
, farming in Australia can be difficult due to drought and other
Possible spelling mistake found.
phenomenas
of nature.
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IELTS essay Some students work part-time. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
10 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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