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Some students prefer to study alone. Other prefer to study with a friend, or in a group. Which do you prefer? v.3

Some students prefer to study alone. Other prefer to study with a friend, or in a group. Which do you prefer? v. 3
Nowadays, consumerism has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, the upsides will justify these. On the one hand, consumerism which has seen as an unstoppable rise offers a number of manifest benefits. First, since mass production is significantly growing from this trend, job opportunities are provided for everyone more than ever. In fact, professions, such as office work or manual work, from factories and companies are available, helping people, especially the poor, access to employment to increase their income. Second, by going shopping at a frequent level, people can increase their living standards. This means that those with regular income, whether average or high, have a desire to make their families fully equipped or to help them satisfy their shopping needs, leading to higher levels of happiness. On the other hand, consumerism would bring more adverse consequences than benefits. First, in order to meet the soaring demands of customers, most companies and factories created the process of mass production, which would attribute to overproduction. In other words, commodities, either manufactured or purchased, would became the final production-wastes, leading to long-term environmental degradation as plastic bags or packages are fraught with difficulty to recycle. Second, if a whole host of people are becoming impulsive customers, they would waste a large amount of money. A vast number of people are willing to spend beyond their income on shopping constantly regardless of the consideration of their real needs, leading them to the burden of debt or the mortgage of personal property. In conclusion, it is an irrefutable that consumerism has been becoming inordinately, the adverse impacts are weightier than the aforementioned benefits. By monitoring their shopping styles, people would control not only their income but also their quality surroundings.
Nowadays, consumerism has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, the upsides will justify these.

On the one hand, consumerism which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as an unstoppable rise offers a number of manifest benefits.
First
, since mass production is
significantly
growing from this trend, job opportunities
are provided
for everyone more than ever. In fact, professions, such as office work or manual work, from factories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are available, helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the poor, access to employment to increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
. Second, by going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
at a frequent level,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can increase their living standards. This means that those with regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
, whether average or high, have a desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their families
fully
equipped or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them satisfy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
needs, leading to higher levels of happiness.

On the other hand
, consumerism would bring more adverse
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "than". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences than
benefits.
First
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the soaring demands of customers, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and factories created the process of mass production, which would attribute to overproduction.
In other words
, commodities, either manufactured or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
, would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "become"
became
the final production-wastes, leading to long-term environmental degradation as plastic bags or packages are fraught with difficulty to recycle. Second, if a whole host of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming impulsive customers, they would waste a large amount of money. A vast number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are willing to spend beyond their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
constantly
regardless of the consideration of their real needs, leading them to the burden of debt or the mortgage of personal property.

In conclusion
, it is an irrefutable that consumerism has been becoming
inordinately
, the adverse impacts are weightier than the aforementioned benefits. By monitoring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
styles,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would control not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their quality surroundings.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some students prefer to study alone. Other prefer to study with a friend, or in a group. Which do you prefer? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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