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Some student work while studying. This often result in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure.What do you think are the causes of this?What solutions can be suggest?

Some student work while studying. This often result in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can be suggest? do5eE
More and more pupils are working after school hours, and they didn’t get the chance to study. Hence they can be stressed by over load of work and study at the same time. Expensive courses and lack of practicals are important causes of this. First of all, as I mentioned above tuition fees are in colleges and universities are too high to afford for parents and adolescents. Additionally, the subjects students learn from schools are more theoretical and not enough useful for their future career. For instance, if they are taking interior designer course and their are no workshop to do practical, so there is no point to do course because they need a work experience to get a job or there further career. In other hands, there are numerous of solution to tackle this problem. To start with, government should provide funds or interest free loan for student so they can afford their college fees easily. In addition, college and universities should open their own workshops so students can gain work experience from their institute rather than going to get job for their work experience. Therefore, they can focus on their study only. To conclude with, working while studying can make students feeling heavy but government and schools can tackle this issue by providing loans and workshops at schools.
More and more pupils are working after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours, and they didn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance to study.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
by over load of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and study at the same time. Expensive courses and lack of practicals are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
causes of this.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as I mentioned above tuition fees are in colleges and universities are too high to afford for parents and adolescents.
Additionally
, the subjects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are more theoretical and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
useful for their future career.
For instance
, if they are taking interior designer course and
Did you mean "there"?
their
are no workshop to do practical,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is no point to do course
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they need a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job or there
further
career. In other hands, there are numerous of solution to tackle this problem. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide funds or interest free loan for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can afford their college fees
easily
.
In addition
, college and universities should open their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
workshops
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience from their institute
rather
than going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
job for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience.
Therefore
, they can focus on their study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
To conclude
with, working while studying can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
feeling heavy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can tackle this issue by providing loans and workshops at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
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IELTS essay Some student work while studying. This often result in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can be suggest?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
220 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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