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Some student work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.1

Some student work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1
Nowadays, more and more students take a part-time job while studying. This often leads to negative results as some of them can be under pressure and cannot focus on studying. I believe that this problem is caused by some factors, and should be dealt with some effective solutions. To begin with, there are several reasons why students work while studying. Firstly, as the tuition fees in many colleges and universities are too high for some families to afford, these children will need to work to pay for the fees. Secondly, since the subjects students learn at school are too theoretical and not useful enough for their future job, they may want to gain practical experiences in the real life. These experiences can also increase the chance they get the job as many employers are tend to employ people with experiences. Several actions can be taken to deal with this issue. As for the first solution, the government should provide financial aids such as scholarships or tuition-free courses to students who cannot afford the tuition fees. Additionally, colleges and universities should increase the practical activities to help their students gain more experiences that could be useful for their working life. Moreover, school can also build up the relationship with big companies in order to help their students to get their jobs after school. Therefore, youngsters don’t need to worry about their future careers. In conclusion, I believe that financial needs and practical experiences cause children to work, but government associates with schools can help them by providing financial aids, increasing practical activities and job chances.
Nowadays, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
take a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while studying. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them can be under pressure and cannot focus on studying. I believe that this problem
is caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors, and should
be dealt
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective solutions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
work while studying.
Firstly
, as the tuition fees in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
colleges and universities are too high for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families to afford, these children will need to work to pay for the fees.
Secondly
, since the subjects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are too theoretical and not useful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they may want to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
in the real life. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
can
also
increase the chance they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employers are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to employ
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with experiences.

Several actions can
be taken
to deal with this issue. As for the
first
solution, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide financial aids such as scholarships or tuition-free courses to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who cannot afford the tuition fees.
Additionally
, colleges and universities should increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
activities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
that could be useful for their working life.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can
also
build up the relationship with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Therefore
, youngsters don’t need to worry about their future careers.

In conclusion
, I believe that financial needs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
cause children to work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
associates with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them by providing financial aids, increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
activities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
chances.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some student work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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