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Some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunity to help other. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunity to help other. v. 1
There is a part of society who is in position to serve others. Many people feel that the riches have the best opportunity to help others. In my opinion, I completely agree that rich people can help others by doing charity work and generating employment by doing local business. Firstly, rich people can help the people in need by doing some charity work. It will provide them the basic necessities of life to live. Furthermore, with the help of charity they can extend their support to their family which will give a sense of accomplishment to them. For example, some kids who do not have access to education can get it with the help of charity. Therefore, charity will not only help people to improve their life but also motivate them to work hard. In addition, rich people have the ability to do the almost any kind of business and doing business at local level will generate employment for the one’s who are in need of it. In other words, being employed will improve their overall lifestyle as well as encourage them to help further. Take construction of factory, for instance, it will generate numerous number of jobs during the construction phase but also after completion. Thus, business will help needy people to have a job but will also make rich people richer so they can help further. In conclusion, rich people has the best chance of being able to help others which will give a sense of fulfillment to them and ultimately, make lives of other people better.
There is a part of society who is in position to serve others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
riches
have the best opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
others. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
others by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
work and generating employment by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
local business.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in need by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
work. It will provide them the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of life to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
Furthermore
, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
they can extend their support to their family which will give a sense of accomplishment to them.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kids who do not have access to education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
motivate them to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the ability to do the almost any kind of business and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
business at local level will generate employment for the one’s who are in need of it. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
being employed
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
overall
lifestyle
as well
as encourage them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
further
. Take construction of factory,
for instance
, it will generate numerous number of jobs during the construction phase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
after completion.
Thus
, business will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
richer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
further
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
the best chance of being able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
others which will give a sense of fulfillment to them and
ultimately
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
better.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunity to help other. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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