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Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 9LlKp
Children’s are the gifts of god. Everyone love them the most. Many parents try to motivate their pupil to part in different activities organized by various groups in their free time. But some parents prefer that their children should find areas to occupy themselves in free space and they consider it the most important decision. In this competitive world, parents have became more active then their pupils. So they always try to promote their kids by convincing them to participate in arranged group activities with full spirit in their spare space. As this motivational support by parenting gives strength to their little ones to participate. As for an example, children get involved in different sports activities like football, tennis, badminton and many such other games. We can see the one such example of badminton champion in world leading India that is MS. Saina Nehwal, who was encouraged by her mother to be the world champion. On the other side, parents do not prefer to interfere in the life of their pupils so they let their nurtured ones to find the activities in which they are interested to do in their free time. This becomes an opportunity for children to show their real talent to the world. As for an example the most favorite cricketer of every Indian which is Mr. M. S. Dhoni, who was fond of playing cricket since his childhood, passed through many obstacles and is now worldwide famous for his talent. Concluding, letting children to choose where to occupy themselves in their spare time is an important part but it is not that supportive decision where parents give them the spirit and make them more enthusiastic towards the group activities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
are the gifts of god. Everyone
The pronoun 'Everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "loves", "loved".
love
them the most.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
try to motivate their pupil

to part in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
organized by various groups in their free time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
prefer that

their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should find areas to occupy themselves in free
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
space and
they consider it the most

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decision.

In this competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have
Use past participle here: "become".
became
more active
Did you mean "than"?
then
their pupils.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they always try to

promote their kids by convincing them to participate in arranged group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
with full spirit in their

spare space.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
this motivational support by parenting gives strength to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
ones to participate.

As for an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like football, tennis, badminton and

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
such other games. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the one such example of badminton champion in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
leading

India
that is
MS.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Saina
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nehwal
, who
was encouraged
by her mother to be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
champion.

On the other side,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not prefer to interfere in the life of their pupils
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their nurtured

ones to find the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in which they
are interested
to do in their free time. This becomes an

opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their real talent to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. As for an example the most favorite

cricketer of every Indian which is Mr. M. S.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dhoni
, who was fond of playing cricket since his childhood,

passed through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obstacles and is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
worldwide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for his talent.

Concluding, letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to choose where to occupy themselves in their spare time is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important


part
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not that supportive decision where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give them the spirit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more

enthusiastic towards the group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
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IELTS essay Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
283 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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