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Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level.Do you agree or disagree?

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. agEG
These days it has been proven, artistic activities have undeniable role in operation of people's mind. some people think that arts as a whole are as crucial as other subjects which are being presented at schools especially at primary grades. Artistic fields same as music, art and Drama can speed up the growth of students mind. In the meantime it lets them to acknowledge their qualifications in artistic majors. Recently French researchers have found that, the average of students who are studying in schools with artistic background is much higher than students whom pass normal subjects in their schools. Moreover, artistic subjects drastically improve innovation in students even in non-artistic subjects such as math and geography. This improvement not only has positive impact on students scores, but also makes their path easier to success. Furthermore the variety in subjects at schools would increase their student's brain potential and as a result, after finishing high School they will find a wide range of abilities in themselves. the more abilities the better job opportunities in their future. To conclude, I think artistic subjects specially music can prepare a calm and and proper situation for brain to operate as sufficient as possible. This change may affect enormously the student's vocation and salary in the future.
These days it has
been proven
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artistic
activities have undeniable role in operation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's mind.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that arts as a whole are as crucial as other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are
being presented
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
especially
at primary grades.

Artistic fields same as music, art and Drama can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
speed up
the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
mind. In the meantime it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
them to acknowledge their qualifications in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artistic
majors. Recently French researchers have found that, the average of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are studying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artistic
background is much higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
whom pass normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in their schools.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
innovation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
even in non-artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as math and geography. This improvement not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
scores,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their path easier to success.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
the variety in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
would increase their student's brain potential and
as a result
, after finishing high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
they will find a wide range of abilities in themselves.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
more abilities the better job opportunities in their future.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
specially
music can prepare a calm
Possible typo: you repeated a word
and and
proper situation for brain to operate as sufficient as possible. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
may affect
enormously
the student's vocation and salary in the future.

IELTS essay Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
212 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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