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Some portion of the society is in the view that organizing International exchange trips could be beneficial to the school pupils. Despite advantages of such programs, i will explain in detail why the disadvantages outweigh the benefits.

Some portion of the society is in the view that organizing International exchange trips could be beneficial to the school pupils. Despite advantages of such programs, i will explain in detail why the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. R07y8
To start with, International trips will be beneficial not only to the students, but also to the educational institutions. Firstly, these kind of visits make student to understand different cultures of the world, then, they will be able to learn the accent and language of that particular country (For example, German, French, Spanish) which will make positive development at the very early stages of life which would be useful in their later life. Secondly, the institutions can learn new advancements made in those countries education system and they try to implement in their school curriculum. For instance, as per the survey, in the year 2014, the Chinese School of Business has had an international trip to USA along with 180 students which benefited the students to grow in their career. On the other hand, every parent cannot afford to pay very large amount of money on their kids international trips at the very small age. The flight tickets and accommodation could be a financial burden to a parent from developing countries such as India, Bangladesh. Also, the students feel sick of cold and they realize the distance from their parents which may cause fever. Recent enquires by the tourism department has revealed that the number of school students attending international programs is decreased by 48% annually because of the high cost of flight charges for foreign students. To recapitulate, although there might be myriad advantages of foreign trips to the school students, it is undeniable(inevitable) that the flight charges will be a major disadvantage and this outweighs all the other advantages.
To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
will be beneficial not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to the educational institutions.
Firstly
,
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of visits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
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student
to understand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures of the world, then, they will be able to learn the accent and language of that particular country (
For example
, German, French, Spanish) which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early stages of life which would be useful in their later life.
Secondly
, the institutions can learn new advancements made in those
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "countries'" or "country's"?
countries
education
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
system and
they try to implement in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.
For instance
, as per the survey, in the year 2014, the Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
of Business has had an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trip
A determiner is probably missing here: "to the USA".
to USA
along with 180
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which benefited the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to grow in their career.

On the other hand
, every parent cannot afford to pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
large amount of money on their kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
age. The flight tickets and accommodation could be a financial burden to a parent from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
such as India, Bangladesh.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
feel sick of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
cold and
they realize the distance from their parents which may cause fever. Recent
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquires' is British English.
enquires
by the tourism department has revealed that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
programs
is decreased
by 48%
annually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high cost of flight charges for foreign students.

To recapitulate, although there might be myriad advantages of foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trips
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, it is undeniable(inevitable) that the flight charges will be a major disadvantage and this outweighs all the other advantages.
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IELTS essay Some portion of the society is in the view that organizing International exchange trips could be beneficial to the school pupils. Despite advantages of such programs, i will explain in detail why the disadvantages outweigh the benefits.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
261 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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