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Some people who have been successful in the society do not attribute their success to the theoretical knowledge they learn at university. What is your opinion on the factors contributing to one's achievement?

Some people who have been successful in the society do not attribute their success to the theoretical knowledge they learn at university. What is your opinion on the factors contributing to one's achievement? NW8dN
Some citizens who have gained accomplishments in society claim that their success is not relevant to the theoretical knowledge they learn at university. From my perspective, there are the majority of factors contributing to people’s success and the essay below will examine two primary elements although it still depends on many factors. Regarding the primary factors resulting in being successful, people’s motivation plays an important role in contributing to their accomplishments regardless if they are students or workers. To be specific, when people have already set the motivation, they will be conscious about the goal that they want to obtain. Therefore, individuals are likely to make a strong determination and work productively. As a result, the success can be gained in the near future because of their own motivation. Analyzing the second element which leads to people’s success, having sufficient knowledge including theoretical and practical experiences is another factor that contributes to the achievements of human beings. In particular, people who want to be successful not only need to be packed with enough knowledge but also need to have different sorts of social skills in order to work efficiently and avoid making mistakes. Hence, the executives will pay attention to their ability and consider promoting the employees, which can obtain accomplishments. In conclusion, a citizen’s accomplishments can result from many factors while in some cases its do not require a wide range of knowledge. Personally, I still claim that if individuals want to gain achievements, they should have motivations, sufficient horizons, and even hands-on experiences.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
citizens who have gained accomplishments in society claim that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is not relevant to the theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
they learn at university. From my perspective, there are the
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "majorities"?
majority
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
contributing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and the essay below will examine two primary elements although it
still
depends on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors.

Regarding the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
resulting in being successful,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
motivation plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in contributing to their accomplishments regardless if they are students or workers. To be specific, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have already set the motivation, they will be conscious about the goal that they want to obtain.
Therefore
, individuals are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a strong determination and work
productively
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
can
be gained
in the near future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
motivation.

Analyzing the second element which leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, having sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
including theoretical and practical experiences is another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
that contributes to the achievements of human beings.
In particular
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to be successful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to
be packed
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
need to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sorts of social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in order to work
efficiently
and avoid making mistakes.
Hence
, the executives will pay attention to their ability and consider promoting the employees, which can obtain accomplishments.

In conclusion
, a citizen’s accomplishments can result from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
while in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases its do not require a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
Personally
, I
still
claim that if individuals want to gain achievements, they should have motivations, sufficient horizons, and even hands-on experiences.
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IELTS essay Some people who have been successful in the society do not attribute their success to the theoretical knowledge they learn at university. What is your opinion on the factors contributing to one's achievement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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