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Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Modern country security system should be strengthened and modernized. Military forces and army are the essential part of society well-being. I firmly agree that women should be permitted to do the same military job as men have done until now. Women should have equal rights and not be forbidden from being a part of navy and air forces to help their country military system to modify the army structure. Every person have a right to do what their heart want. Moreover, if it helps to society security then it should be even recommended and required. According to the Human Rights Declaration, women have an equal rights as men and country should not break the basic human rights rules. It is unfair to force only men to do a military job and forbidding it for women who want to protect society Security and country well-being. Therefore woman should be allowed to join and serve military and army job as men do. Hence, I strongly approve women army joining. Women population takes 51% of whole world's population and thus working only with half of your potential power is irrelevant choice for modern army system. Women can upgrade and rise the popularity of military service and army job. Working only with 49% just because other 51% are not permitted due to social stereotypes and country policies is a worst decision that humanity can make. Hence I firmly agree that women should be forbidden from army work. Consequently, because of human rights and potential military power, women should be allowed to join army and serve air and navy forces.
Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
security system should
be strengthened
and modernized. Military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
are the essential part of society well-being. I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be permitted
to do the same military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have done until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
should have equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
and not
be forbidden
from being a part of navy and air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
military system to modify the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
structure.

Every person
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: “has”.
have
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
to do what their heart
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: “wants”.
want
.
Moreover
, if it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to society security then it should be even recommended and required. According to the Human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rights
Declaration,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have an equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should not break the basic human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. It is unfair to
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force
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
to do a military
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and forbidding it for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who want to protect society Security and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
well-being.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
woman should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
and serve military and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
do.
Hence
, I
strongly
approve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
joining.

Women population takes 51% of whole world's population and
thus
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with half of your potential power is irrelevant choice for modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
system.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
can upgrade and rise the popularity of military service and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with 49%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
other 51% are not permitted due to social stereotypes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
policies is
Use “the” with the superlative.
a
worst decision that humanity can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be forbidden
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
work.

Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
and potential military power,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
and serve air and navy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
forces
.
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IELTS essay Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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