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Some people think the spread of multinational companies and globalization produce positive outcomes for everyone. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people think the spread of multinational companies and globalization produce positive outcomes for everyone. EWaD
Globalization has affected the borders between countries, causing a spread of many different companies across different countries. Some would think these companies will bring a positive effect for many people, and I believe this is the case, especially in developing countries. First of all, over the years, globalization has shown its influence on the birth of new kinds of services that are in line with people’s needs. In this case, it can open new services in countries where those industries do not exist yet. For example, in Indonesia, new services like online shopping and ride-sharing apps are proven successful and has significant growth in recent years. This is one of the results of globalization, where the creators of these services study the same kind of industry overseas, for example Amazon and Uber in the US, and want to create those impact for local communities. Not only new services for the community, but they also offer employment, which we can never get enough of. Secondly, multinational companies and globalization offer job opportunities for career growth. Companies who have branch offices in multiple countries offer insights into the industry, and employees who work in those companies have the chance to learn from multiple different counties. These insights, knowledge and networking will lead to a big development in one’s career growth. For instance, it’s not rare that some people who works in a multinational company, after years of work, eventually ended up managing on a regional scale and moving overseas for more responsibility. To summarize, I agree that the potential to open new industries and offer of job opportunities by multinational companies and globalization prove the positive results it produces.
Globalization has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the borders between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, causing a spread of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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companies
across
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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countries
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will bring a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and I believe this is the case,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, over the years, globalization has shown its influence on the birth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
that are in line with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s needs.
In this case
, it can open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
do not exist
yet
.
For example
, in Indonesia,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
like online shopping and ride-sharing apps
are proven
successful and has significant growth in recent years. This is one of the results of globalization, where the creators of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
study the same kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
overseas,
for example
Amazon and Uber in the US, and want to create those impact for local communities. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
for the community,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
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offer
employment, which we can never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
of.

Secondly
, multinational
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companies
and globalization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
job opportunities for career growth.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
who have branch offices in multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
insights into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
, and employees who work in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
have the chance to learn from multiple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
counties. These insights, knowledge and networking will lead to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
development in one’s career growth.
For instance
, it’s not rare that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
Did you mean "work"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
works
in a multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, after years of work,
eventually
ended up managing on a regional scale and moving overseas for more responsibility.

To summarize
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the potential to open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offer
of job opportunities by multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and globalization prove the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
results it produces.
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IELTS essay Some people think the spread of multinational companies and globalization produce positive outcomes for everyone.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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