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Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their country, such as the unemployed and homeless. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their country, such as the unemployed and homeless. 08V3
In the past years, the population rate has grown at an alarming rate across the globe. This has given rise to leading problems such as poverty, unemployment, and illiteracy. Few believe that the governing body should not provide financial assistance to the nations across the border because there are underprivileged people in their own country. I completely agree with this statement that a country's own betterment should be first prioritized. To begin with, there are abundant reasons for which the authority should put efforts for the welfare of its own people. Apparently, the monetary resources are becoming scarce and many countries are already in debt. It is, therefore, imperative for a state to reserve its funds for the development and maintenance of its own institutions. Additionally, major steps such as providing free healthcare and shelter to the homeless can assist in boosting the social health of the society. Also, providing more employment opportunities will aid to decrease the ratio of poor in the territory. For example, during the pandemic of Coronavirus, the developed nation like America faced a huge financial loss due to which it was not in a position to provide help to the neighbouring countries, instead, it had to invest more in medical assistance for the well-being of its own country people. On the other hand, it is understandable and reasonable to donate money to the poorer nations as a gesture of basic human decency and humanity. For which a nation should firstly survey about the financial statistics and destitution ratios within the country. With reference to these figures, a decision can be made whether to help the developing countries. However, the countries receiving support are not committed to remaining loyal to the donor country in times of crisis. Hence the donor states also need to be aware of the fact that they contribute only their share and do not overdo the succour. To conclude, there are obvious benefits for the bureaucracy in the long run from donating money as relief aids to many foreign countries. However, I strongly iterate that the administration must first improve the economic, financial and employment prospects of its own people before embarking on humanitarian work abroad.
In the past years, the population rate has grown at an alarming rate across the globe. This has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
rise to leading problems such as poverty, unemployment, and illiteracy. Few believe that the governing body should not provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
assistance to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
across the border
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there
are underprivileged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement that a country's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
betterment should be
first
prioritized.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are abundant reasons for which the authority should put efforts for the welfare of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Apparently
, the monetary resources are becoming scarce and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are already in debt. It is,
therefore
, imperative for a state to reserve its funds for the development and maintenance of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
institutions.
Additionally
, major steps such as providing free healthcare and shelter to the homeless can assist in boosting the social health of the society.
Also
, providing more employment opportunities will aid to decrease the ratio of poor in the territory.
For example
, during the pandemic of Coronavirus, the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
like America faced a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
loss due to which it was not in a position to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbouring' is British English.
neighbouring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
instead
, it had to invest more in medical assistance for the well-being of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, it is understandable and reasonable to donate money to the poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
as a gesture of basic human decency and humanity. For which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
should
firstly
survey about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
statistics and destitution ratios within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. With reference to these figures, a decision can
be made
whether to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
receiving support are not committed to remaining loyal to the donor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in times of crisis.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the donor states
also
need to be aware of the fact that they contribute
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their share and do not overdo the
Possible spelling mistake found.
succour
.

To conclude
, there are obvious benefits for the bureaucracy in the long run from donating money as relief aids to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
However
, I
strongly
iterate that the administration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the economic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
and employment prospects of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
embarking on humanitarian work abroad.
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IELTS essay Some people think the government should not spend on international aid because there are disadvantaged people in their country, such as the unemployed and homeless.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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