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Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders to serve society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.16

Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders to serve society. 16
It is often thought that young adults should keep on studying in order to advance their learning. Whereas, some people think instead they should be encouraged to work to serve society such as, being a car mechanic or builder. The following essay will be discussed both views. On the one hand, start working rather than going to university is beneficial for a myriad of reasons. Firstly, by working, young people will be able to obtain a lot of real experience and practical skills. So this may lead them to have a successful professional career. Secondly, a person who decides to look for a job in contrast to continuing education is likely to have a chance to start earning money as soon as possible. As a result, they will be mature enough to live independently on their own wage. For instance, in some countries such as, United Arabs Emirates, they start working as soon as possible and found it easier to get better promotion and higher positions and even good salaries. On the other hand, it is extremely beneficial for young individuals continue their study. Firstly, a college improvement leads students to meet academic qualifications, which most employers require nowadays. Consequently, university graduates usually have opportunities to earn higher salaries than who is not qualified enough. In addition, they would be able to serve the country by providing new ideas in order to make life more convenient. For example, a student who graduates from informatics technology institute, might create some applications to improve everyone's life. In conclusion, although, both encouraging students to work as a mechanic and builder and get higher education each has their own advantages and opportunities, I believe, it is better for young adults to go to universities and gain proper knowledge and demonstrate whatever they specialized to the betterment of a society.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on studying in order to advance their learning. Whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
instead
they should
be encouraged
to work to serve society such as, being a car mechanic or builder. The following essay will
be discussed
both views.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working
rather
than going to university is beneficial for a myriad of reasons.
Firstly
, by working,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will be able to obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
real experience and practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this may lead them to have a successful professional career.
Secondly
, a person who decides to look for a job
in contrast
to continuing education is likely to have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
earning money as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.
As a result
, they will be mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wage.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries such as, United Arabs Emirates, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible and found it easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better promotion and higher positions and even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salaries.

On the other hand
, it is
extremely
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals continue their study.
Firstly
, a college improvement leads students to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
academic qualifications, which most employers require nowadays.
Consequently
, university graduates
usually
have opportunities to earn higher salaries than who is not qualified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.
In addition
, they would be able to serve the country by providing new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life more convenient.
For example
, a student who graduates from informatics technology institute, might create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
applications to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
everyone's life.

In conclusion
, although, both encouraging students to work as a mechanic and builder and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher education each has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages and opportunities, I believe, it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults to go to universities and gain proper knowledge and demonstrate whatever they specialized to the betterment of a society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should go to university to further their education while others think they should be encouraged to work as car mechanics or builders to serve society. 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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