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Some people think that young people should follow older people’s examples while others think it is good for young people to challenge older people’s o v.2

Some people think that young people should follow older people’s examples while others think it is good for young people to challenge older people’s o v. 2
There has been an increasing debate as to whether youngsters should follow the instructions from senior people or should challenge them with up-to-date thoughts or ideas. In my opinion, one should take advice with a view of making better indepent decisions. One reason people suggest taking advice from older people is that the lessons they have learned from past failures could prevent young people from making the same mistakes again. This is especially true in workplaces such as in the retail industry where employees may need to deal with demanding customers, following senior employees’ practical customer service skills could help junior staff maintain a higher customer’s satisfaction rate and boost the sales. Another area that young people should follow senior people’s examples is when one needs to pass a special technique to the next generation. It would have a negative impact on preserving a dying culture if young people decide not to follow the pre-existing rules established by older generations. On the other hand, young people should follow their own ideas when it comes to choosing career paths and life goals. If Bill Gates decided to follow his parents' wishes to become a scholar, he would not be able to form Intel, a great company which makes the internet the most significant advancement in modern society, which helps millions of people communicate without boundaries. Daring to challenge old theories and rules could lead to a more dynamic and thriving society. In conclusion, whether to follow the opinion from senior people varies from different circumstances. It is better to take suggestions from senior colleagues in workplaces for the purpose of, but one should follow its own heart when making important life choices.
There has been an increasing debate
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
youngsters should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the instructions from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or should challenge them with up-to-date thoughts or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. In my opinion, one should take advice with a view of making better
Possible spelling mistake found.
indepent
decisions.

One reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest taking advice from older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that the lessons they have learned from past failures could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from making the same mistakes again. This is
especially
true in workplaces such as in the retail industry where employees may need to deal with demanding customers, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
employees’ practical customer service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
junior staff maintain a higher customer’s satisfaction rate and boost the sales. Another area that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
examples is when one needs to pass a special technique to the
next
generation. It would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on preserving a dying culture if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the pre-existing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
established by older generations.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to choosing career paths and life goals. If Bill Gates decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
his parents' wishes to become a scholar, he would not be able to form Intel, a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the internet the most significant advancement in modern society, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
communicate without boundaries. Daring to challenge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
theories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
could lead to a more dynamic and thriving society.

In conclusion
, whether to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
the opinion from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
varies
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
circumstances. It is better to take suggestions from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
colleagues in workplaces for the purpose of,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
one should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
follow
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
heart when making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
life choices.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some people think that young people should follow older people’s examples while others think it is good for young people to challenge older people’s o v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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