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Some people think that the main factors influencing a child's development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child's development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. v. 1
Nowadays, children have become addicted to electronic items, and also tend to give more importance to their friends and favourite music. Although many argue that these parameters have potential effects on a child's growth, I strongly believe that family plays a vital role in building a child's character. This essay will shed light on both these views. On one hand, some factors such as television, friends, and music are believed to be have more influence on children. For instance, news reports shown on television keep children updated with latest information around the world. Besides, children also obtain inspiration by watching talent shows on TV. Apart from television, children spend plenty of time with their friends and like listening to music. Friendship teaches them how to be supportive and now maintain trust. Moreover, another benefit music is that it keeps children calm and focused on their studies. On the other hand, the formation of a child's personality is mostly based on the family, in which he has grown up. The basis values such as respect, discipline and right behaviour can only be taught by responsible parents. Moreover, a child learns family traditions and religious rituals by observing their elders. For example, during my childhood, I had always followed the footsteps of my parents and grand parents in numerous ways such as white putting on particular clothes according to occasions as well as respectfully treating my guests. Despite the fact that factors external to family have an impact on a child's development, family has the most significant potential to turn a child into a well-behaved adult. To recapitulate, this essay illustrated that television, friends and music are some of the key factors in the process of a child's development; however, family is the most prominent one among these factors.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have become addicted to electronic items, and
also
tend to give more importance to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argue that these parameters have potential effects on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
growth, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays a vital role in building a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
character. This essay will shed light on both these views.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are believed
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
more influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, news reports shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
updated with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
information around the world.
Besides
,
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children
also
obtain inspiration by watching talent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on TV. Apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and like listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Friendship teaches them how to be supportive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
maintain trust.
Moreover
, another benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
calm and focused on their studies.

On the other hand
, the formation of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
personality is
mostly
based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, in which he has grown up. The basis values such as respect, discipline and right
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be taught
by responsible parents.
Moreover
, a child learns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
traditions and religious rituals by observing their elders.
For example
, during my childhood, I had always followed the footsteps of my parents and grand parents in numerous ways such as white putting on particular clothes according to occasions
as well
as
respectfully
treating my guests. Despite the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
external to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
have an impact on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
development,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has the most significant potential to turn a child into a well-behaved adult.

To recapitulate, this essay illustrated that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
key
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
in the process of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
development;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the most prominent one among these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that the main factors influencing a child's development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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