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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere .To what extent do you agree with view?

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. 9La13
It is often argued that spending money on the art by the government is a waste, rather they are ought to spent it in other emergency situation. Although, I Accord with this argument I believe that art is also a crucial factor for the betterment of the nation as well as for the individualsTo commence with their are multifarious social problems that needs to be eradicate timely and their are other factors of the society which should be improved. At present, many people are suffering from starving and diseases as well as unemployment so, government should elocate some budget in sectors such as health service, education and So on to solve this problems rather wasting it in the arts. For instance, many people are dying every year due to starvation and if government will provide them some food then many life can be saved. Thus giving priorities to public services which helps in the development of the society is better than wasting it in the arts by the government. In the other word, art is also a major factor for the betterment of the society and individuals as a whole. First and foremost, art helps to represent our culture which helps to attract a lot of tourist as a result it will boost the tourism industries which is lucrative for the economic growth of the nation. Likewise, for an individual it is a great source of entertainment and relaxation. For example, if a person watches a fine piece of arts for some minutes it helps to relax and release the stress which will have a positive impact on his or her health. Therefore art is also essential for the individual and the nation. To conclude, governments should spend huge amount of money in other public service, however, art ought not to be neglectedted as it plays a significant role in the development of the nation and its citizens. Therefore some budget should be also be separated for the development of art sectors.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that spending money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is a waste,
rather
they are ought to spent it in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
emergency situation. Although, I Accord with this argument I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
a crucial factor for the betterment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
as well
as for the
Possible spelling mistake found.
individualsTo
commence with
Did you mean "there"?
their
are multifarious social problems that needs to be
Consider using a past participle here: "eradicated".
eradicate
timely and
Did you mean "there"?
their
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors of the society which should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. At present,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from starving and diseases
as well
as unemployment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
Possible spelling mistake found.
elocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
budget in sectors such as health service, education and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
on to solve
Did you mean "these"?
this
problems
rather
wasting it in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are dying every year due to starvation and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will provide them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food then
Possible agreement error. The noun life seems to be countable; consider using: "many lives".
many life
can
be saved
.
Thus
giving priorities to public services which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in the development of the society is better than wasting it in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
word,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
a major factor for the betterment of the society and individuals as a whole.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to represent our culture which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to attract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
tourist
as a result
it will boost the tourism industries which is lucrative for the economic growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
Likewise
, for an individual it is a great source of entertainment and relaxation.
For example
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
a fine piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minutes it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to relax and release the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
which will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
health.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is
also
essential for the individual and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should spend huge amount of money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
public service,
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
ought not to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
neglectedted
as it plays a significant role in the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
and its citizens.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
budget should be
also
be separated
for the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
sectors.

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
332 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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