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Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents. prq9
Across the globe, a plethora of individuals have debated about the major problem of the increasing obesity among teenagers. While a majority people tend to think that it is government that should have observed this tendency, others claim that parents had to be responsible for the health condition of their offspring. Thus, this essay will discuss both of the mentioned views and argue in support of the latter. On the one hand, it is intuitively obvious that it was the state that initially permitted spreading junk food across the restaurants, cafes, and other public places. It conclusively means that numerous businessmen and entrepreneurs started setting up their businesses associated with either healthy or unhealthy types of food. To illustrate, most juveniles become more interested in consuming fast food available everywhere which contributed to their being outweigh. Thus, government’s undeliberate permission was one of the main reasons why a larger number of children suffer from obesity today. On the other hand, parents considered to be life tutors of the children who are able to educate them. In other words, they should encourage their offspring to keep the principles of healthy lifestyle and sometimes put some pressure in order to control their health condition. For instance, it will be conceivable for elder family members to interact with teenagers, elaborating on that is better to their immune system and stomach to be healthy. Therefore, parents are those who mostly responsible for the increasing rate of children being obese. To conclude from aforementioned points, while some argue that the rising obesity among children is the fault of the government due to their permission to open fast food facilities, others believe that it is due to parental attitude, backing it up with their uncompleted duties in educating children. However, I personally share the idea that the severity of the current situation was more parents’ offence.
Across the globe, a plethora of individuals have debated about the major problem of the increasing obesity among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. While a
It seems that there's a missing preposition after ''.
majority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
that should have observed this tendency, others claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
had to be responsible for the health condition of their offspring.
Thus
, this essay will discuss both of the mentioned views and argue in support of the latter.

On the one hand, it is
intuitively
obvious that it was the state that
initially
permitted spreading junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
across the restaurants,
'cafes' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "cafés"
cafes
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
public places. It
conclusively
means that numerous businessmen and entrepreneurs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
setting up their businesses associated with either healthy or unhealthy types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. To illustrate, most juveniles become more interested in consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
available everywhere which contributed to their being
Consider using a past participle here: "outweighed".
outweigh
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s
Possible spelling mistake found.
undeliberate
permission was one of the main reasons why a larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from obesity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
considered to be life tutors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are able to educate them. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they should encourage their offspring to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the principles of healthy lifestyle and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pressure in order to control their health condition.
For instance
, it will be conceivable for elder family members to interact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, elaborating on
that is
better to their immune system and stomach to be healthy.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are those who
mostly
responsible for the increasing rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
being obese.

To conclude
from aforementioned points, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the rising obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the fault of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
due to their permission to open
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
facilities, others believe that it is due to parental attitude, backing it up with their uncompleted duties in educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, I
personally
share the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the severity of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation was more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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