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Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 1
Nowadays, with the advent of technological advances, obesity in children is turning out as one of the major health problems. Some people blame the government for this situation and some are with view that it is because of their parents. I think that it is majorly the fault of the parents, where the administration plays a little role. To commence, the administration is held responsible for this problem for two main reasons. Firstly, in most of the developing countries, it has failed to provide the basic facilities of gym, yoga, outdoor games, etc. , in the schools. This tends to discourage children to take part in activities such as games, gymnastics etc. , which increase the physical activity of the body and thereby, reducing the body fat. The second major reason is the adulteration and unchecked food quality, which harms many body parts. For example, often brick powder is mixed with red chilli powder, which when consumed, causes stomach ulcers, harms liver, etc. On the other hand, parents are the first school for the children. Hence, they learn their habits. These days, for most of the kids, both the parents are working long day jobs. Because of this, it becomes very difficult for them to cook and they often buy fast food from outside. It becomes a habit for them to eat fast food daily without any restrictions. This fast food is full of carbohydrates, fats, sugar etc. , which are the major sources of obesity in children. For instance, a survey conducted by the WHO, has published that in the USA, 70% of the obese children do not eat more than 3 home cooked meals in a week. To conclude, in my opinion, both the government and parents are responsible for obesity in children, but parents play a bigger part in it. The administration should encourage physical activities in schools and conduct seminars for parents to make them aware of the importance of home cooked food. Consequently, parents should try to make some time to provide proper nutrition for their kids.
Nowadays, with the advent of technological advances, obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is turning out as one of the major health problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
blame the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
for this situation and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are with view that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
majorly
the fault of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, where the administration plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
role.

To commence, the administration
is held
responsible for this problem for two main reasons.
Firstly
, in most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, it has failed to provide the basic facilities of gym, yoga, outdoor games, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
in the schools. This tends to discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in activities such as games, gymnastics etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which increase the physical activity of the body and thereby, reducing the body
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
. The second major reason is the adulteration and unchecked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
quality, which harms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
body parts.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
brick powder
is mixed
with red
Possible spelling mistake. 'chilli' is British English.
chilli
powder, which when consumed, causes stomach ulcers, harms liver, etc.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
school for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Hence
, they learn their habits. These days, for most of the kids, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are working long day jobs.
Because of this
, it becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for them to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
cook and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from outside. It becomes a habit for them to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
daily without any restrictions. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is full of carbohydrates, fats, sugar etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which are the major sources of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, a survey conducted by the WHO, has published that in the USA, 70% of the obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not eat more than 3 home cooked meals in a week.

To conclude
, in my opinion, both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are responsible for obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a bigger part in it. The administration should encourage physical activities in schools and conduct seminars for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them aware of the importance of home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to provide proper nutrition for their kids.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity, while others think it is the fault of the parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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