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Some people think that teachers and educational professionals should make all of the important decisions about what subjects are taught in schools. Others think that business and industry professionals should make all of the major decisions. Which view do v.2

Some people think that teachers and educational professionals should make all of the important decisions about what subjects are taught in schools. Others think that business and industry professionals should make all of the major decisions. Which view do v. 2
In schools children are taught lessons due to the syllabus previously determined by people in authority such as teachers. Although teachers and other educational professionals are aware of the required knowledge for the students, the essential role of industry professionals in determining the necessary skills and abilities which they should acquire in schools can not be disregarded. Undoubtedly, educational requirements for the future occupation of students would be highly important. One reason is that these are fundamental lessons which students should develop their specialized work skills based on them. For instance, if you consider the process of carrying out a project in your job as constructing a building, you first need to know some basic mechanical information about structuring such as the required materials, how much resistance they should be, and etcetera. And then gain the abilities and skills of how to use these materials to build the structure. Another reason is that these elementary knowledge not only gives the awareness about that field of science but also helps you to have more courage and self-confidence that you have the comprehension of that field. And therefore, the influence of teachers to determine the obligatory lessons for students would be inevitable. However, the ideas and notions of professionals in industry who have useful experiences about work environment should be taken into consideration. Since, the student should obtain practical experiments to meet the requirements of their favorite job. In addition, it would be beneficial for the students provided they know about some management principles to organize and handle their career more efficiently or make good decisions in critical situations. For example, learning about how to manage time, cost or even other people at work could be helpful skills. In conclusion, besides the importance of educational lessons, the overall abilities and professions in business world should be trained in schools.
In schools children
are taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
due to the syllabus previously determined by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in authority such as teachers. Although teachers and other educational professionals are aware of the required knowledge for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, the essential role of industry professionals in determining the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities which they should acquire in schools can not
be disregarded
.

Undoubtedly
, educational requirements for the future occupation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would be
highly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. One reason is that these are fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should develop their specialized work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
based on them.
For instance
, if you consider the process of carrying out a project in your job as constructing a building, you
first
need to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic mechanical information about structuring such as the required materials, how much resistance they should be, and etcetera. And then gain the abilities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these materials to build the structure. Another reason is that these elementary knowledge not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gives the awareness about that field of science
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
you to have more courage and self-confidence that you have the comprehension of that field. And
therefore
, the influence of teachers to determine the obligatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would be inevitable.

However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and notions of professionals in industry who have useful experiences about work environment should
be taken
into consideration.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should obtain practical experiments to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements of their favorite job.
In addition
, it would be beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
provided they know about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
management principles to organize and handle their career more
efficiently
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
decisions in critical situations.
For example
, learning about how to manage time, cost or even other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at work could be helpful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
,
besides
the importance of educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
, the
overall
abilities and professions in business world should
be trained
in schools.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that teachers and educational professionals should make all of the important decisions about what subjects are taught in schools. Others think that business and industry professionals should make all of the major decisions. Which view do v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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