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Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered. wKRPE
The debate over the necessity of courses like music and sports in school teaching has been heated constantly. From my perspective, the advantages of learning academic courses are considerable for students; however, I strongly believe that music and sport courses are also useful to the students’ career. There are strong reasons supporting the view that students studying academic courses gain valuable knowledge. First and foremost, it is obvious that the main reason that schools concentrate on academic courses as most students nowadays struggle to apply for companies is because they do not meet the requirements of the employers. Educators believe that learning some basic academic subjects helps students save time to pursue their dreams in a professional area, compared to those who were not aware of the essential of learning such subjects at schools. Moreover, those academic subjects taught to students provide them with necessary skills and knowledge, which boosts their productivity of work, so they tend to be promoted in their careers. On the other hand, I am convinced subjects like music and sports play a key role in developing students. Children’s talent in these fields can never be discovered without music and sport courses. The reality indicates that music-related and sports-related industries are among the most successful in the world and students who have extraordinary talents will be popular in these fields. Furthermore, the provision of both academic, music and sports education is mandatory for an all-round growth of children. For instance, playing sports improves students’ strength and music helps them receive work pressure. To conclude, there are several benefits of studying academic courses, however, music and sports subjects are indispensable in education.
The debate over the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in school teaching has
been heated
constantly
. From my perspective, the advantages of learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
are considerable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
;
however
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
are
also
useful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
career.

There are strong reasons supporting the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
gain valuable knowledge.
First
and foremost, it is obvious that the main reason that schools concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
as most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
nowadays struggle to apply for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements of the employers. Educators believe that learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
save time to pursue their dreams in a professional area, compared to those who were not aware of the essential of learning such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at schools.
Moreover
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
taught to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
provide them with necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge, which boosts their productivity of work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they tend to
be promoted
in their careers.

On the other hand
, I
am convinced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play a key role in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Children’s talent in these fields can never
be discovered
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
. The reality indicates that music-related and sports-related industries are among the most successful in the world and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have extraordinary talents will be popular in these fields.
Furthermore
, the provision of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
education is mandatory for an all-round growth of children.
For instance
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
strength and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them receive work pressure.

To conclude
, there are several benefits of studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
,
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are indispensable in education.
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IELTS essay Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic courses which are useful to the career of students; courses like music and sports are not useful and therefore should not be offered.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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