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some people think that outdoor activities bring benifical for children's development than playing computer.

some people think that outdoor activities bring benifical for children's development than playing computer. LwEk3
Some parents agree that outdoor activities have more advantage for their kids than sticking eyes in the computer screen. From my point of view, both of these fields have their own effect on the development of children for a range of reason/I completely agree with this statement. The outdoor activities can bring up for the kids a wide of advantage. Firstly, they can improve their social skill. Because of the interaction between children, they can play and communicate with each other that lead them to become a confident person. Furthermore, some sports like football, basketball and so on can teach them how to play as a team and improve their friendship which is priceless. Secondly, it provide a wide of physical health which is one of the crucial benefit when doing outdoor activities. It require teenager to have a good strength condition to play, so that they have to practice a lot. According to some research, children spend time on outdoor activities are far less stressed and have more energy than the kid who playing computer games. Therefore, outdoor activities is indispensable for the children’s growth. Playing computer games have a wide of harmful consequence for the teenager. With the attractive of video game, the kid can be addicted and can lead to autism who are afraid to face strangers or even family member. On the other hand, the lack of sport activities is the most dangerous consequence because it make children not in good health condition. If they do not take part in some sports, their strength will decrease and lead to many health problem. That is the reason why outdoor activities bring more beneficial for the kid. In conclusion, although some computer games can be educational and can have certain positive effects on children’s development, I believe that the negative impacts far outweigh any benefit, and that spending time outdoors is the key to a healthy development for children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have more advantage for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
than sticking eyes in the computer screen. From my point of view, both of these fields have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
effect on the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for a range of reason/I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can bring up for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
a wide of advantage.
Firstly
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the interaction between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they can play and communicate with each other that lead them to become a confident person.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports like football, basketball and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on can teach them how to play as a team and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their friendship which is priceless.
Secondly
, it
Did you mean "provides"?
provide
a wide of physical health which is one of the crucial benefit when doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. It
Did you mean "requires"?
require
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
strength condition to play,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
practice a lot. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research,
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children
spend time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are far less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and have more energy than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
who playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is indispensable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
growth.

Playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a wide of harmful consequence for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
. With
The phrase 'the attractive of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the attractive of
video game, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
can
be addicted
and can lead to autism who are afraid to face strangers or even family member.
On the other hand
, the lack of sport
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activities
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
consequence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "makes"?
make
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children
not in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health condition. If they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports, their strength will decrease and lead to
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much health", "a good deal of health".
many health
problem.
That is
the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
bring more beneficial for the kid.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be educational and can have certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
development, I believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts far outweigh any benefit, and that spending time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
is the key to a healthy development for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay some people think that outdoor activities bring benifical for children's development than playing computer.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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