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Some people think that men and women should have an equal position in the army while others oppose this by stating that women are not as competent as men in the army. v.1

Some people think that men and women should have an equal position in the army while others oppose this by stating that women are not as competent as men in the army. v. 1
In the modern world, when women rub shoulders with men in every field, it is a moot issue that women should take equal responsibilities in the army. This essay would discuss that men are more suitable in the army and my viewpoint accord with that. Males have more physical strength and emotional maturity, which is necessary for a non-civilian. Firstly, jobs in warfare and armed forces require physical fitness. Handling sophisticated machines and weapons need body strength. Men are more powerful than women; it facilitates men for to do jobs easily and quickly. Furthermore, different geographical condition and climatic conditions need to be faced and the weak body cannot tolerate this. In addition, sometimes warfare soldiers cannot get enough foods; it forced them to continue their job with starving body, which makes difficult for women to work. Secondly, the fair sex is emotionally weak. Men are aggressive and fearless which require for a soldier to take decisions and fight. Moreover, women are submissive and tender-hearted, which are leads to run away from the battlefield rather than fighting. Women will try to safeguard their position, whereas, men are selfless and very dominating.   This emotional immaturity makes women as a bad warrior. Ironically, there are some fields women can excel, like health care and other clerical works. To handle women culprits and checking women are needed in the military. To recapitulate, women are playing an important role in many sectors. However, working in military need more abilities, males are ideal for war field, women excel by assisting the job.
In the modern world, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
rub shoulders with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in every field, it is a moot issue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should take equal responsibilities in the army. This essay would discuss that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more suitable in the army and my viewpoint accord with that. Males have more physical strength and emotional maturity, which is necessary for a non-civilian.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in warfare and armed forces require physical fitness. Handling sophisticated machines and weapons need body strength.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
are more powerful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
; it facilitates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
for to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
easily
and
quickly
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
geographical condition and climatic conditions need to
be faced
and the weak body cannot tolerate this.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
warfare soldiers cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
foods; it forced them to continue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with starving body, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to work.

Secondly
, the
This expression can be considered offensive.
fair sex
is
emotionally
weak.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
are aggressive and fearless which require for a soldier to take decisions and fight.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are submissive and tender-hearted, which are leads to run away from the battlefield
rather
than fighting.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
will try to safeguard their position, whereas,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are selfless and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
dominating.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This emotional immaturity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
warrior.

Ironically
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can excel, like health care and other clerical works. To handle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
culprits and checking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are needed
in the military.

To recapitulate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are playing an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors.
However
, working in military need more abilities, males are ideal for war field,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
excel by assisting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that men and women should have an equal position in the army while others oppose this by stating that women are not as competent as men in the army. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
258 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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