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Some people think that it is the responsibility of individuals to be happy, whiles others believe that happiness depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give you opinion.

Some people think that it is the responsibility of individuals to be happy, whiles others believe that happiness depends on other factors. OwQY3
People differ greatly in their views about the aspect which is conducive to individual happiness. While it is believed that the sense of well-being could derive from wealth, I would contend that there are other factors playing more indispensable roles in enhancing one’s happiness index. On the one hand, there are two compelling reasons why numerous people argue that wealth is a pivotal constituent of a happy life. First and foremost, having a huge amount of money can make people’s life more enjoyable, comfortable, and convenient. This is because they will fulfill their dreams such as receiving high-class education or traveling around the globe if they have a strong financial background. Furthermore, economic success often implies a high social status. As a consequence, not only can people have a sense of happiness but they may also earn respect from others. On the other hand, I am firmly convinced that having money is not the sole precursor to one’s happiness. Firstly, happiness is related to wholesome physique and mentality. To explain, although wealth an meet personally material needs, it will be of little meaning if one suffers from physical or mental health. Moreover, happiness, sometimes, does not lie on economic success but directly on work-life balance. More precisely, when people balance between their work and other aspects in their life they tend to be confident and optimistic. To sum up, achieving economic success can bring people happiness because of providing people with a good opportunity to carry out their desires and bringing high social status. However, I extremely believe that good physical and mental health and work-life balance exert a more positive impact on the happiness of people.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
differ
greatly
in their views about the aspect which is conducive to individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. While it
is believed
that the sense of well-being could derive from wealth, I would contend that there are other factors playing more indispensable roles in enhancing one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
index.

On the one hand, there are two compelling reasons why numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that wealth is a pivotal constituent of a happy life.
First
and foremost, having a huge amount of money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life more enjoyable, comfortable, and convenient. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will fulfill their dreams such as receiving high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
education or traveling around the globe if they have a strong financial background.
Furthermore
, economic success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
implies a high social status. As a consequence, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they may
also
earn respect from others.

On the other hand
, I am
firmly
convinced that having money is not the sole precursor to one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is related
to wholesome physique and mentality. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, although wealth
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
personally
material needs, it will be of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
meaning if one suffers from physical or mental health.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, does not lie on economic success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
directly
on work-life balance. More
precisely
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
balance between their work and other aspects in their life they tend to be confident and optimistic.

To sum up, achieving economic success can bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to carry out their desires and bringing high social status.
However
, I
extremely
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
physical and mental health and work-life balance exert a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that it is the responsibility of individuals to be happy, whiles others believe that happiness depends on other factors.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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