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Some people think that governments should not spent money for helping to prevent illness and diseases instead of environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree?

Some people think that governments should not spent money for helping to prevent illness and diseases instead of environmental pollution and housing problems. oRgAq
Decreasing environment pollution and accommodation problems is accepted by some people to be much more critical. From my point of view, due to the fact that some of the underlying reasons of sickness and diseases are environmental pollution and housing problems, governments should pay attention these problems. First of all, I want to dive into the harmful effects of environmental dirtiness. Primarily, it is possible to divide the notion of environmental pollution into two headings which are water pollution and air pollution. Nowadays, numerous factories throw their chemical waste to water resources. Moreover, the resources are used as a water source for agricultural fields. Therefore, health of people affects negatively since they consume some food which is grown in these fields. On the other hand, pestiside is added these food and nutritions. All in all, pestiside and chemical waste are caused that many people become cancer. In terms of air pollution, health of people affects badly, especially lungs due to the fact that usage of private car unconciously and dirtiness of numerous factories. The level of carbon dioxide emission is increasing day by day since factories don’t have environmentally friendly system or entegrate their system such as using filter. On the other hand, governments should create new solutions for accomodation problems because of that being homeless effects health of these people since they don’t have enough opportunity to protect themselves. In addition to that, having a house make these people much more motivated to live peacefully. Thus, homeless people prevent theirselves from sickness and diseases because being stressful is a negative effect for health. Consequently, governments should create new legal policy to provide that the factories entegrate their system to be environmentally friendly and, to ensure a home at least for homeless people.
Decreasing environment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and accommodation problems is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be much more critical. From my point of view, due to the fact that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
underlying reasons of sickness and diseases are environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and housing problems,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should pay attention these problems.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I want to dive into the harmful effects of environmental dirtiness.
Primarily
, it is possible to divide the notion of environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
into two headings which are water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
and air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
. Nowadays, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
throw their chemical waste to water resources.
Moreover
, the resources are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a water source for agricultural fields.
Therefore
, health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
affects
negatively
since they consume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food which
is grown
in these fields.
On the other hand
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
pestiside
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
Did you mean "this food" or "these foods"?
these food
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
. All in all,
Possible spelling mistake found.
pestiside
and chemical waste
are caused
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become cancer.

In terms of air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pollution
, health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
affects
badly
,
especially
lungs due to the fact that usage of private car
Possible spelling mistake found.
unconciously
and dirtiness of numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
. The level of carbon dioxide emission is increasing day by day since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
don’t have
environmentally
friendly system or
Possible spelling mistake found.
entegrate
their system such as using filter.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should create new solutions for
Possible spelling mistake found.
accomodation
problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that being homeless effects health of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
since they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
opportunity to protect themselves.
In addition
to that, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
much more motivated to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
peacefully
.
Thus
, homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
Possible spelling mistake found.
theirselves
from sickness and diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being stressful is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect for health.

Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should create new legal policy to provide that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factories
Possible spelling mistake found.
entegrate
their system to be
environmentally
friendly and, to ensure a home at least for homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay Some people think that governments should not spent money for helping to prevent illness and diseases instead of environmental pollution and housing problems.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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