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Nowadays, one of government’ affairs is to invest money into infrastructure establishment such as public park or a sport field for students. From my perspective, I believe that it is more worthwhile building a public park because government should give the whole society’ benefits a higher priority.

Nowadays, one of government’ affairs is to invest money into infrastructure establishment such as public park or a sport field for students. From my perspective, I believe that it is more worthwhile building a public park because government should give the whole society’ benefits a higher priority. E32AB
Firstly, building public park could improve public health. As we know, with the dawn industrialization of society, many factories pump pollutant into the river, releasing smoke to the sky which damages the quality of air. As a result, an increasing number of people suffer from the respiratory diseases such as asthma or bronchitis. However, if the government invests money into establishing the public park where there are full of trees and flowers, green plants can help convert carbon dioxide into oxygen, offering a cleaner air to prevent people from getting respiratory disease. According to the survey by the Penn State university, there is a significant correlations to reductions in stress, lowered blood pressure, and perceived physical health to the length of stay in visits to parks. In contrast, if government spends money on the sports field which only benefits students, the action is not comprehensive for a government because they have to take the whole society’ interest into account. Therefore, it is self- evident that the public park is more suitable, benefiting different people from old-aged to teenagers. Secondly, the public park can also aid the economic development. The reason is that trees, plants and flowers in the park could prevent loose soil, further keeping the flood away. We only need to look at the the report that American Forests, a national conservation organization that promotes forestry, estimates that trees in cities save $400 billion in storm water retention facility costs. Hence, building the public park could also gaining extra sources of money for the government. In the cycle, the government could utilize the amount of fund to dedicate to other useful infrastructure like railroad, hospital, and school. As a result, the society’s standard living will be improved, which is an essential part when rating the economic of the nation. To wit, government could not only accelerate the economic development but also undertake its duty. However, if government starts to build the sports field only for students, it can not have such ripple effect like saving money.
Firstly
, building
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
health. As we know, with the dawn industrialization of society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factories pump pollutant into the river, releasing smoke to the sky which damages the quality of air.
As a result
, an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffer from the respiratory diseases such as asthma or bronchitis.
However
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
invests
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into establishing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
where there are full of trees and flowers, green plants can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
convert carbon dioxide into oxygen, offering a cleaner air to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from getting respiratory disease. According to the survey by the Penn State university, there is a significant
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "correlation"?
correlations
to reductions in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, lowered blood pressure, and perceived physical health to the length of stay in visits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
.
In contrast
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on the sports field which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
benefits students, the action is not comprehensive for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take the whole society’ interest into account.
Therefore
, it is self- evident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
is more suitable, benefiting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-aged to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
can
also
aid the economic development. The reason is that trees, plants and flowers in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
loose soil,
further
keeping the flood away. We
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
need to look at
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
report that American Forests, a national conservation organization that promotes forestry, estimates that trees in cities save $400 billion in storm water retention facility costs.
Hence
, building the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
could
also
The verb 'could' requires the base form of the verb: "gain"
gaining
extra sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. In the cycle, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could utilize the amount of fund to dedicate to other useful infrastructure like railroad, hospital, and school.
As a result
, the society’s standard living will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
, which is an essential part when rating the economic of the nation. To wit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
accelerate the economic development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
undertake its duty.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to build the sports field
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
for students, it can not have such ripple effect like saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, one of government’ affairs is to invest money into infrastructure establishment such as public park or a sport field for students. From my perspective, I believe that it is more worthwhile building a public park because government should give the whole society’ benefits a higher priority.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
337 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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