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Some people think that governments should change the way individuals live, while others believe they should choose the way themselves. Discuss these both points of view and give your opinion? v.2

Some people think that governments should change the way individuals live, while others believe they should choose the way themselves. Discuss these both points of view and give your opinion? v. 2
There is a significant rise in the demand of male-dominated job positions by females in several areas. This essay will first discuss the reason for the increase in this trend and further agrees that women getting employed in jobs conventionally done by men are beneficial as it will ensure that jobs are offered to worthy candidates irrespective of gender, followed by a reasoned conclusion. The principal cause for women grabbing jobs long-established for males is the change in the thinking of the society. This is to say, earlier people used to believe that women are solely responsible to get married and take care of the family, hence, they were not supported to get educated. However, as the time changed, girls are given equal importance as their counterpart. They are encouraged to not only complete their post graduation but also to build a successful career. As a result, women consider themselves to be no less than men and apply for jobs which were considered suitable for men. To elucidate, a recent study by The Times on March 2017 showed that more than 80 percent of females are taking jobs traditionally carried our by males. This phenomenon is considered as a positive development because gender inequality will not prevail in the business world. In other words, company's job positions are offered on the basis of level of education of candidates irrespective of gender. That is, females can also apply for jobs, done by males in the past and can even get selected based on their qualifications and expertise. To conclude, a recent study by The New York Times showed that there is a rise in 60 percent of females in sales and marketing jobs that were considered apt or males. To conclude, women are obtaining male dominated employment in many places because the society considers girls to be equal to men. I vehemently agree that it is an effective and constructive development as equal opportunities are offered to both males and females.
There is a significant rise in the demand of male-dominated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in several areas. This essay will
first
discuss the reason for the increase in this trend and
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
getting employed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
conventionally
done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are beneficial as it will ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are offered
to worthy candidates irrespective of gender, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

The principal cause for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
grabbing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
long-established for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the thinking of the society. This is to say, earlier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
solely
responsible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married and take care of the family,
hence
, they were not supported to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educated.
However
, as the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, girls are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal importance as their counterpart. They
are encouraged
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
complete their post graduation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to build a successful career.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
consider themselves to be no less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which
were considered
suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. To elucidate, a recent study by The Times on March 2017
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that more than 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
traditionally
carried our by males.

This phenomenon
is considered
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
gender inequality will not prevail in the business world.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions
are offered
on the basis of level of education of candidates irrespective of gender.
That is
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
can
also
apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, done by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in the past and can even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
selected based on their qualifications and expertise.
To conclude
, a recent study by The New York Times
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that there is a rise in 60 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in sales and marketing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that
were considered
apt or males.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are obtaining male dominated employment in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
places
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the society considers girls to be equal to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. I
vehemently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is an effective and constructive development as equal opportunities
are offered
to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people think that governments should change the way individuals live, while others believe they should choose the way themselves. Discuss these both points of view and give your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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