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some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports. Do you agree or disagree?

some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports. pb1KL
I agree with the statement that government should ban dangerous sports. First of all, government should prohibit dangerous sports because on safety grounds. In the dangerous sports, extreme condition is a prerequisite. Participants are prone to badly injure such as: fracture, dislocated shoulder, traumatic brain injury or even die in play process. A series of tragic deaths also happen to the "senior" of the world's most dangerous sports. As the case in 2015, Jhorathan Florez (32 years old) 2013 world Wingsuit champion died when he participates in extreme sports, after jumping from Mount Titlis Switzerland 3. 238m high. Or the case in 2016, extreme sports athlete in Itali- Armin Schmieder - died when jumping Wingsuit flying from Dolomite mountains (part of the Swiss Alps), at an altitude of 3. 000 - 3. 342m. Another reason is that government should ban dangerous sports is hard dealing with the aftermath form those accidents. In fact, most extreme sports businesses made participants sign contract that businesses not responsibility if something is wrong happen. In order to file a lawsuit against, participants need to be able to prove that accident result from the company's action. However, this is very difficult, requires a lot of money and apartipant's effort. All in all, government should ban dangerous sports to prevent unfortunate accident happen.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
sports.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should prohibit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
on safety grounds. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
condition is a prerequisite. Participants are prone to
badly
injure such as: fracture, dislocated shoulder, traumatic brain injury or even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
in play process. A series of tragic deaths
also
happen to the
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
senior
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
of the world's most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. As the case in 2015,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jhorathan
Possible spelling mistake found.
Florez
(32 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
) 2013 world
Possible spelling mistake found.
Wingsuit
champion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
when he participates in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, after jumping from Mount
Possible spelling mistake found.
Titlis
Switzerland 3.
Insert a space between the numerical value and the unit symbol "238 m"
238m
high. Or the case in 2016,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
athlete in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Itali
- Armin Schmieder
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
when jumping
Possible spelling mistake found.
Wingsuit
flying from Dolomite mountains (part of the Swiss Alps), at an altitude of 3.
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
000 - 3
.
Insert a space between the numerical value and the unit symbol "342 m"
342m
.

Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
dealing with the aftermath form those accidents. In fact, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
businesses made participants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
contract that businesses not responsibility if something is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
happen. In order to file a lawsuit against, participants need to be able to prove that accident result from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's action.
However
, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult, requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and
Possible spelling mistake found.
apartipant
's effort.

All in all,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
unfortunate accident happen.
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IELTS essay some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
217 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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